6 Things I’ve Learned in 6 Years of Marriage

Zach and I were very privileged to celebrate our 6th year of marriage recently. In total, we’ve been together 13 years. If I’m being honest, that is nearly half of my life!

I thank God all the time for Zach. God really knew what he was doing when He paired us together.

Zach is everything I’m not - patient, gentle, slow to anger, unconditionally kind and loving, a pretty good listener, and has such a servant mindset. He can also be pretty funny with little effort!

If you know me, you know I tend to lean toward stubborn, impatient, emotional, slower to trust, outspoken, and…tend to be in my own little world. Don’t get me started on how often I’m the only one laughing at my own jokes!

(By the way, I’m not saying this to put myself down, I know my strengths and weaknesses and I’m confident God made me this way for a greater purpose- I also know these traits are positive in their own ways!)

We compliment each other well with our differences, but we do think a lot alike and have a very similar sense of humor.

In the last thirteen years, we have learned a lot about maintaining our relationship. No relationship is perfect, so please don’t let me fool you about ours! And obviously, I won’t claim that what works for us will work for you, but if I’m ever asked in another bridal shower to write down advice for the soon-to-be married couple, at least I’ll have something to reference!

Here are six things that we’ve learned in our time together so far, one for each year we’ve been married.

6 . Never Stop Dating Your Partner

When Zach and I got married, we received several little slips of paper that included this advice: Never stop dating your spouse.

As newlyweds, we didn’t entirely understand this advice - I mean, what else were we doing except dating our spouse?

I’m sure there was something, but in our short time being married, we’ve learned that distractions can wreck your priorities in a heartbeat.

Now that we have children, careers, community and church obligations, and everything in between, it can be quite the challenge to find a couple hours to spend time together even once a month.

However, as a result of this advice, early in our marriage, we decided to set a goal specific to dating each other. Our goal was the rule of three:

• Every three weeks, we go on a date

• Every three months, we go away for a weekend, or the kids go to grandma’s overnight

• Every three years, we go on a week vacation

This was a bold goal. It isn’t always easy to maintain this goal, especially as it relies a lot on other people. In truth, we haven’t been very good at keeping it at all since we had our third baby.

BUT because we set a goal and decided to prioritize our marriage in this way, we have been pretty consistent about date night! The only way we could be more consistent is if we put a hold on our calendars. (Maybe I should do that actually…)

We also recently went on our first weekend away in a long time that was just for us. It was refreshing, relaxing and rejuvenating!

Zach and I playing cards on our last reprieve from parenting. We stayed home (because we were snowed in) and my mom took the kids. We had the turntable spinning and just enjoyed the company of each other while we played cards. Dates don’t have to be complicated!

5 . Never Watch Your Shows Without Each Other

There is no betrayal like your spouse watching ahead in a TV show you started together, without you. This is only acceptable if they have given you explicit permission.

There is something about making time for each other watching a show that is sacred in a marriage. I think it has to do with the last point - if we aren’t making time to date each other, watching these shows together might be our only 30-60 minutes we intentionally spend together all week!

The show also allows you a mini-date that you can have once a week without any thought or effort.

Your “couple shows” are a talking point!

As a newlywed couple, I never dreamed we would run out of things to talk about. However, once you add children and responsibilities to the mix, your conversations might look like a broken record or be centered around everything but your marriage.

Having a show you watch together allows you a conversation point that is just between the two of you - and of course anyone else who watches the show.

4 . You should be on the same page about handling your money

As many of you know, I am an avid listener and follower of Ramsey Solutions, specifically, the Ramsey Show. If you’re not familiar with the Ramsey Show, formerly called the Dave Ramsey Show, it is a talk show that allows folks to call in and get realtime advice on their life and money from experts.

Dave Ramsey regularly discusses the importance of getting on the same page with your spouse about finances.

After all, one of the most significant causes of divorce in America is financial disagreements.

When Zach and I first got married, we made a joint account and ensured eachothers names were on the accounts right from the start.

It is definitely a challenge to share your money with someone else - you have to learn to trust them with your hard earned income, know that the money will be used for the right causes, and agree what it can and can’t be spent on.

I’ll try not to get on too much of a Financial Peace University (FPU) tangent, but with a budget, goals, and financial literacy, you and your spouse can ensure that financial disagreements are NOT a source of strife in your marraige. If you believe you and your spouse could be more in sync on your financial situation and goals, you can learn all of these things through the FPU class.

Taking FPU and getting on the same page as a newly married couple was so valuable.

Admittedly, we have had to regroup and reestablish our goals regularly - there is not a silver bullet for financial planning with your spouse.

For Zach and I, the budget and agreeing on common goals has empowered us in our spending, and lack thereof, and helped us prioritize our time and effort in the realm of side hustles and our primary jobs.

I can’t imagine not knowing what was going on in his accounts or having to divide up the bills like we are roommates. Here is some food for thought if you’re accounts are separate or you and your spouse can’t seem to get on the same page about money:

1. Separate accounts are more difficult to manage and harder to automate. If you have multiple places income is flowing into, you’re never really sure what your income is, how it is being spent, and who is responsible for what.

2. What’s Yours, isn’t his, and vice versa. When we got married, we operated under the understanding that “What is mine is his and what is his is mine.” We no longer have “His money” and “My money,” or “my debt” or “his debt.” It is truly, “Our Money” and “our debt.”

3. If you can’t trust your spouse with your finances, what else aren’t you entrusting to them?

For the record, I am not being paid to endorse the Ramsey Solutions products. I just find them to be really valuable!

However, this leads me to my next point.

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3.You must be able to trust your partner

Zach and I had a big trial of trust early in our relationship. Trust was broken entirely and we had to start from ground zero to rebuild that trust.

If I’m being honest, it took years. But what we gained was a much stronger foundation.

In the place of the default, naive trust that was there before was a deeper and more robust version.

Building the trust back definitely took some compromise on both sides of the relationship. We spent a lot of time together and started small.

And I do mean small.

Something as small as telling them what you want for dinner from the fast food place, and trusting they would remember and get the order right and bring it home to you.

While that is such a small thing, we weren’t trusting that the other person would be perfect, but more that they cared enough about you to listen and make an effort to get your order correct.

There were other small trust exercises like telling each other where we were and when we would be home and trusting the other to run an errand.

As we built deeper trust, it was sharing with the other person your deepest feelings and truths confidently, believing the other person would treat them as their own. Venting to each other (truthfully, this one was mostly me - it takes a lot to ruffle Zach’s feathers, and even when they are, he still doesn’t typically feel compelled to vent) and trusting the other person to keep the conversation between the two of you.

We started working our way to bigger and bigger opportunities to grow and deepen our trust and eventually, we rebuilt and solidified a foundation of trust in each other.

All of that to say, every couple is different. Trust isn’t always easy for some people, so be patient and remain honest and consistent.

What I know to be true is this: If my marriage is supposed to mirror Christ’s relationship with the Church, and I can trust God with my everything, then I need to also be able to trust my husband with my everything.

But building trust doesn’t just happen through a series of “trust-falls.” Communication is critical.

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2 . Communicate like your life depends on it

As mentioned above, early in our relationship, Zach and I had a few trials of trust. I’m not going to lay out the depths of our personal lives here, but I want to stress that the trials we experienced almost ended our relationship.

Truth be told, we were still very young when we went through a relationship defining event. Zach was a senior in high school and I was in college. For us, this was a time of long-distance in our relationship, although most weekends, I drove home to see him or he visited me.

Distance is hard enough in a relationship, because it creates space for dishonesty, among other things, if you allow it.

The trials we went through happened after we had been together nearly two years. Even though our relationship was a “high school sweethearts” kind of thing, we both believed we were made for each other - there was just too much evidence that God brought us together.

We cried, made space for each other, and fought quite a bit over the next few months. Finally, we took a walk down to my favorite bridge and sat on the edge with our feet dangling down and had a long “heart-to-heart.”

There were many tears shed. I think my heart broke again that day when Zach said to me, “I think we should break up. I don’t know who I am anymore or what I’m doing, and I think I need to figure it out on my own…”

We sat in that space for about 45 mins. We continued talking and I kept praying in my head, hoping God would provide some wisdom.

I believe His answer was the very next thought that entered my mind and exited my mouth seconds later. “Why do you have to do it alone?”

In that 45 minute span of time, we had confessed to each other that we weren’t sure who we’d talk to anymore and that we were each other’s best friend. I knew if we broke up, there would be no relationship going forward. My heart has to have a clean break in order to move forward.

So, in my last effort to save our relationship, I said, “Can you try to let me support you in finding yourself again? Can we try to communicate more with each other?”

And from that moment on, we communicated with each other like it was a competition.

No, we aren’t perfect! Sometimes Zach forgets to tell me about a work thing he has and didn’t put it on the calendar. Other times I forget to tell him that I picked something up at the grocery store, so we end up with two (or more) of that item after he stops by the store on his way home.

We had to experience those trials to learn to communicate and express our feelings with each other. That communication and openness allowed us to build a new foundation of trust in our relationship.

I never would’ve imagined the gratitude I now feel for those rough times. From that point on, our relationship has been different and is so much stronger than I could’ve imagined.

Communicating with each other in every season matters. The silly conversations that you have are practice for the serious ones. Check in with your spouse daily even if it is just to ask how their day went.

Also - listening is part of communication.

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1 . God must be at the center of your marraige

Most importantly, our priorities have to be right.

Admittedly, God hasn’t always been number one in our relationship.

We always knew God was important- but we didn’t really understand what it meant to put Him in charge.

I remember earlier in our relationship, going to church and being involved in our church was not a priority.

I was under the impression that it was a “choice” or a “gift” that I should give to God of my time, talent, or otherwise.

But honestly…it wasn’t even a priority for me to give that gift.

I thought church was about the people and the process, not the actual participation in and becoming part of Christ’s body.

I’ve learned so much since then.

Six years ago, sleeping in was often more important than attending church.

Six years ago, I fell asleep in church regularly.

Six years ago, I didn’t know very many people at my church and I wasn’t interested in knowing them.

I wanted to be able to attend - or not - without anyone noticing or missing me if I wasn’t there.

…as if the most important Being in the universe didn’t already see me and know my heart…

Anyway, somewhere early in our marraige, a youth pastor left our church.

At the time, the folks who did know us, often said how great they thought Zach would be at the youth pastor job.

Fast forward, the next youth pastor left and Zach ended up next in line.

It is funny how God works.

After almost 4 years of our lives being very intwined with the church, congregation, church activities, etc., I can’t imagine going back to my old mindset.

When Zach started this job, I lamented often about the difficulties of being a pastor’s wife.

If I’m honest, I do still lament, but I recognize the beautiful things it has brought into our lives. At the top of that list?

Building a relationship with God that allows me to feel comfortable putting Him first.

I’m only human, so of course I am not always perfect at keeping God there - but I’ve never regretted knowing that is where He belongs and recentering my life around God.

Zach and I both love spending time with our church family now - because we’ve allowed them to become a family.

On the rare occasions that we argue, I find myself praying for him, where before I went out of my way to not even think of him.

Since the end of 2024, we have started studying the Bible together and praying together before bed. This new habit has really made an impact on our whole family! We take turns choosing the topics or book of the Bible to study, then close in prayer.

This practice has been meaningful on so many levels. Most importantly, we both feel God’s presence and are more aware of His blessings on our family, in our marriage, and in our lives.

Thank you, Lord, for 6 years of married life with my best friend.

You Are the Girl for the Job: Embracing Your God-Given Purpose

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I recently started reading/listening to a book from the Missouri River Regional Library (if you’re in central Missouri, don’t forget about the amazing resource we have at our disposal) called “You’re the Girl for the Job” by Jess Connolly.

She has already given me plenty to think about.

Specifically, she has got me thinking about planting seeds.

Sometimes, I really struggle to separate myself from the work I’m doing in the name of Jesus.

It should NOT be for my glorification, but His.

God gave us spiritual gifts to use in our journey to Him and bringing others to Him.

No matter how well I understand this truth, I still struggle to not become prideful of the gifts the Lord has given me.

Sunday mornings, after a great musical worship service, I might receive a compliment like, “Great music this morning!”

Compliments are affirming and make me feel good for the work I did, but then I begin to feel guilty for taking credit for something God gave me only for His glory.

Do you see how crazy this thought process is?

I’m getting so caught up in the seeds I’m planting and how to plant them, or whether or not to plant the seed in the first place, that I’m missing the point!

God will and CAN grow the plant whether or not I put a seed in the ground.

He has power over all the animals of the earth - he could send in a sparrow to drop the seed. He could send a traveller through to drop a seed off the path. He could send a wind stronger than I could ever imagine that could blow seeds from a different country to plant in the perfect soil.

But wouldn’t it be great to be the person who planted that seed?

Wouldn’t it be so wonderful to be God’s first choice to assist with His plan?

I’m working on growing my discipline muscle. By that I mean, I’m learning to simply plant anyway. Water anyway. Till, weed, fertilize, prune anyway. If God intends for a plant to grow, it will!

Adversely, if He doesn’t, it won’t.

What’s worse, I like to argue with God about what I’m capable of! Does that remind you of anyone?

Yep, our boy, Moses.

In the book, Jess talks about how Moses argued with God about how he wasn’t a good speaker, he killed a man, he was too old, had a stutter or didn’t speak well, etc. But from those humble beginnings, he became one of the most important, beloved, and successful leaders of the Israelite people, even buried by God, Himself.

Moses wasn’t perfect by any means. But for the most part, he was faithful and devoted to God’s plan for his life.

“But Moses pleaded with the Lord , “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.’”

— Exodus 4:10

What are your excuses or arguments against God? I’m ashamed to say I have many, but here are a few:

• I’m too busy

• I’m “just” a mom

• I’m not good enough

• I’m not popular enough

• I don’t have enough money

• I’m too old

• I mess everything up

And the list goes on and on.

But God didn’t ask me what I can do or how to do it. He just said, “DO IT.”

All of that being said, I am realizing that I am the person God made for a specific purpose and I may never fully know that purpose. I believe if I keep holding myself to a standard of doing work that glorifies God, I will eventually find for what God has created me.

You Are the Girl for the Job: Daring to Believe the God Who Calls You

By Connolly, Jess

Buy on Amazon

I’m also starting to realize that by talking to myself that way and to believe the fearful lies that I’m NOT the girl for the job, even though God created me exactly as I am, I’m believing that God isn’t a perfect creator. AND THAT is crazy.

To be clear - No, I’m not perfect. My creator is perfect. As His creation, I am exactly who I need to be to fulfill His plan for my life.

If you’re looking for God and feel like you’re strangers passing in the night, if you’re looking for your purpose, if you are an overthinker like me, hold firm and continue to plant the seeds. Once we see those plants start to grow, we’ll be in awe of how God used us to cultivate the most beautiful garden!

Now get out there and DO THE ORDAINED THING. #Amen

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