I Am the Girl for the Job

I recently started reading/listening to a book from the Missouri River Regional Library (if you’re in central Missouri, don’t forget about the amazing resource we have at our disposal) called “You’re the Girl for the Job” by Jess Connolly.

She has already given me plenty to think about.

Specifically, she has got me thinking about planting seeds.

Sometimes, I really struggle to separate myself from the work I’m doing in the name of Jesus.

It should NOT be for my glorification, but His.

God gave us spiritual gifts to use in our journey to Him and bringing others to Him.

No matter how well I understand this truth, I still struggle to not become prideful of the gifts the Lord has given me.

Sunday mornings, after a great musical worship service, I might receive a compliment like, “Great music this morning!”

Compliments are affirming and make me feel good for the work I did, but then I begin to feel guilty for taking credit for something God gave me only for His glory.

Do you see how crazy this thought process is?

I’m getting so caught up in the seeds I’m planting and how to plant them, or whether or not to plant the seed in the first place, that I’m missing the point!

God will and CAN grow the plant whether or not I put a seed in the ground.

He has power over all the animals of the earth - he could send in a sparrow to drop the seed. He could send a traveller through to drop a seed off the path. He could send a wind stronger than I could ever imagine that could blow seeds from a different country to plant in the perfect soil.

But wouldn’t it be great to be the person who planted that seed?

Wouldn’t it be so wonderful to be God’s first choice to assist with His plan?

I’m working on growing my discipline muscle. By that I mean, I’m learning to simply plant anyway. Water anyway. Till, weed, fertilize, prune anyway. If God intends for a plant to grow, it will!

Adversely, if He doesn’t, it won’t.

What’s worse, I like to argue with God about what I’m capable of! Does that remind you of anyone?

Yep, our boy, Moses.

In the book, Jess talks about how Moses argued with God about how he wasn’t a good speaker, he killed a man, he was too old, had a stutter or didn’t speak well, etc. But from those humble beginnings, he became one of the most important, beloved, and successful leaders of the Israelite people, even buried by God, Himself.

Moses wasn’t perfect by any means. But for the most part, he was faithful and devoted to God’s plan for his life.

“But Moses pleaded with the Lord , “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.’”

— Exodus 4:10

What are your excuses or arguments against God? I’m ashamed to say I have many, but here are a few:

• I’m too busy

• I’m “just” a mom

• I’m not good enough

• I’m not popular enough

• I don’t have enough money

• I’m too old

• I mess everything up

And the list goes on and on.

But God didn’t ask me what I can do or how to do it. He just said, “DO IT.”

All of that being said, I am realizing that I am the person God made for a specific purpose and I may never fully know that purpose. I believe if I keep holding myself to a standard of doing work that glorifies God, I will eventually find for what God has created me.

I’m also starting to realize that by talking to myself that way and to believe the fearful lies that I’m NOT the girl for the job, even though God created me exactly as I am, I’m believing that God isn’t a perfect creator. AND THAT is crazy.

To be clear - No, I’m not perfect. My creator is perfect. As His creation, I am exactly who I need to be to fulfill His plan for my life.

If you’re looking for God and feel like you’re strangers passing in the night, if you’re looking for your purpose, if you are an overthinker like me, hold firm and continue to plant the seeds. Once we see those plants start to grow, we’ll be in awe of how God used us to cultivate the most beautiful garden!

Now get out there and DO THE ORDAINED THING. #Amen

Potty-Training and Patience

If you read my last blog post, you know I’m reading through the Bible this year with the Bible Recap Plan. Currently, I’m in Leviticus, and it’s D R Y. This book has always been difficult to read, and I know it isn’t just me.

Something that the host said this week really stuck with me. It was a reminder that the laws God set in this book were about creating a way for God to be among His people. The sacrifices were what made it possible for God to be present with His people.

I had never thought of God wanting to be with us so bad that he would ask us to daily kill an animal to atone for our sins.

The host of the Bible Recap, Tara Leigh Cobble, focuses a lot on examining what these stories and books of the Bible tell us about God’s character. In all of the sacrifices, God made it accessible to all people. Wealth has no bearing on your ability to become ceremonially clean. God is compassionate!

How blessed we are that God is compassionate…and patient.

As the Israelites went on their way after escaping Egypt, they were frustrating! They regularly complained about everything! So much so, that they actually wished they could go back to being slaves in Egypt rather than trust in God.

I can relate to this in some ways, but the first that comes to mind is potty training.

I despise potty training.

I thought it was rough with my son, but boy, was I just getting started! My daughter has so far proven to be much more challenging.

She is stubborn and apathetic about the whole thing. In fact, I have almost just wished she was back in diapers and we could start all over.

Some people try to tell me she isn’t ready- I disagree. In fact, she goes so well at daycare that I don’t even bring diapers anymore. She hasn’t needed them for months, not even at naptime. She goes potty when she has to and that’s that. There’s relatively no fuss about it anymore even.

But at home??? It’s a completely different story.

This girl has accidents in her pants like she’s never used a potty before.

She was doing really well…until the baby was born.

I digress.

I’m so grateful for this Bible Recap! Because for the first time ever, I’m seeing these laws as a blessing to the Israelites. I’m seeing Gods character so much more vividly than ever before. His compassion and patience for the people of Israel is vast and overwhelming.

This study is not only teaching me about His character, but I’m striving to be more like God.

So where I used to loose my temper with my seemingly not so potty trained little girl, I take deeper breaths and try to approach her with compassion and patience. She has consequences, just like the whiny Israelites did, but they are not enforced with anger anymore. More with compassion and love.

Do I still get raging angry when she says, “Mommy, I’m pooping!”? You betcha I do. I sometimes just want to scream and light something on fire.

Lately, however, I remember the many, many, MANY times God patiently forgave and blessed the Israelites when they didn’t deserve it, as well as the many times he has undoubtedly given me grace for all the dumb things I’ve done and said throughout my life. So, after several “cleansing” breaths, I clean up the mess she made and go on loving her and playing with her like nothing happened, because the truth is if God held my mistakes over my head all day every day, it would be hard to get out of bed and keep trying every day.

Please, feel free to send some prayers our way as we continue to climb this mountain with our daughter! Some days, we react like two human parents who have cleaned enough poop out of underwear at this point to work at a sewage treatment plant. If you’re wondering what a person at that kind of whits end might look like, think Clark Griswold at the end of Christmas vacation.

Additionally, share with us your tips and tricks to getting a stubborn little girl to use the potty at home like she does at daycare!

I swear I can see the Promised Potty-Trained Land just around the corner.

“Do not be afraid”

We welcomed our sweet baby girl just after Thanksgiving and named her Joey, after a couple of my favorite biblical men. Admittedly, I thought I was having a boy, but the name is still just as lovely on her!

Recently, I’ve been a little less invested in my relationship with God.

I hate to admit that.

After the baby was born and we jumped into the newborn sleep schedule, I struggled to find time in my day to eat, sleep, cook dinner, and meet the needs of everyone in the family, let alone study my bible and pray without falling asleep.

I missed church and fellowship several times due to the kids being sick, keeping the baby away from winter germs, and hospital visits with the baby. At first, it bothered me a lot, but after missing it a few times, it felt…familiar. Comfortable.

I began engaging in conversations that weren’t fulfilling, relationships that were draining, and activities, like mindless scrolling, that was a quick hit of dopamine for the day.

All of this had me feeling more exhausted and unfulfilled than ever, even though I had a brand new baby that stole my heart and mind.

The longer I spent “trying to find time” to spend with God, the farther from Him I went.

Now, I will give myself a little bit of credit - I did seek the Lord much more than I did prior to establishing an intentional relationship with Christ. But that is about the only thing I did right in this regard.

By the time I realized what all my time away was doing, I felt like I couldn’t hear God anymore.

The truth is, He was probably talking, I just wasn’t listening anymore.

I’m still working on structuring my day to ensure some time with God daily, but after chatting with a friend about it, they suggested using the time I was feeding the baby or pumping each day to read the Bible on my phone. It was a game changer and has become a time I look forward to throughout the day. But I’m not telling you this to pat myself on the back. I’m telling you because I learned something about myself in the process.

I am afraid.

I’m afraid of everything. Germs and disease, disappointing people, mental health, hurting people, sinning…the list goes on. But the worst on the list was my fear of disappointing God and not following His will.

But this is what I learned recently: If I keep worrying about whether or not my actions and decisions are pleasing to God, I might never do the things that actually please Him. The analysis paralysis has been wreaking havoc on my life, and in my time of vulnerability, I’ve allowed it.

Making decisions gets significantly harder when you weigh them against what the literal Creator of the Universe is going to think about you. But do you know what He thinks? Jesus tells me that I am loved beyond belief.

Worrying about following His will is even sillier. He can do anything with anything or anyone. The HOW is none of my business.

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this week, and it just so happened that the host had one of my favorite pastors, Craig Groschel, as her guest. He recently released a new book called, “Think Ahead,” and discussed decision-making and fatigue.

One major topic he addressed in the podcast is the fear of making the wrong move and messing up God’s plan for our lives. He reminded me that God is God. He doesn’t need me to do anything to make His will be done. I will never be able to veer too far off the beaten path of His plan for me.

In this journey back to God, I’ve started a Bible study called, “The Bible Recap,” with Tara Leigh Cobble. It has been so exciting and fun to read the Bible with this study, because it breaks it down and puts it in chronological order so that if you only do one lesson a day, you spend approximately 20 mins total with God and in His word daily. I decided that was completely reasonable and actually do 2-3 lessons a day because I get invested in the stories.

In this study, I just read about Abraham, Issac, Jacob and Joseph. Each of these men made their fair share of mistakes, sinned or were sinned against in some big ways, and received a lot of grace from God- but they always were exactly where they were supposed to be. God’s plan was always fulfilled.

And it will continue to be fulfilled in us.

There is no point in worrying if your making the right choice to stay on the right path for God- He already knows the steps you’ll take and how you’ll get from point A to point B, C, X, Y, & Z.

It is our job to trust God, do our best, have faith, and praise Him for His unending grace.

All that being said, I had a feeling it was time to start writing again, but at the very same time, delete my social media apps from my phone. So while I’m not on social media right now, I believe God will help me share these lessons I’m learning with whomever needs them as well.

Sometimes, We Just Need to Slow Down

In the last few years, I’ve worked pretty hard to change the way I think about things. My default always used to be positivity, but in the most recent decade of my life, I began to lean toward the negative…in a big way.

This negative thought cycle bled into every area of my life and it still does sometimes!

But in the process, every time I would get sick, or my family would get sick, it felt almost insurmountable.

Fear flooded every crack in my armor, leaving anxiety in its wake.

I began to worry about every scary scenario that could happen when illness came. Not to mention, I beat myself up about the inconvenience I was causing to anyone who was relying on me.

When the pandemic hit, it only made this negativity and fear soar higher and consume me.

I never identified as a hypochondriac - in fact, there is a whole faction of individuals out there who personally bore witness to me eating an entire can of Pringles that had fallen out of the car and spilled all over the Walmart parking lot.

But when I think about my greatest fears in this life, 75% of them revolve around my health, the health of my family, and the mortality that comes with bad health.

That being said, COVID-19 changed the way I viewed germs. I carried masks and hand sanitizer with me everywhere and became a regular user of the cart wipes at any grocery store. My sleeves became the only way I would open doors in public spaces, and when I heard someone around me so much as sniff their nose or clear their throat I was immediately on edge.

Coming out of lockdown, like most humans, I felt relief. But the now inset fear I had of every surface and every germ wasn’t going away.

Now, over a year later, I still find myself having tendencies of anxiety around COVID or any other illness in my home.

In my effort to change my mentality on this in my house, I turned back to gratitude.

I know I talk about gratitude often, but truly, it is at the opposition of fear and anxiety. It is sure hard to fear when you’re focused on the the blessings you’re living in.

So this week, when my throat started to get scratchy and my kids started coughing, rather than immediately panic and settle into fear, my first reaction was to thank God that it seems to be mild. Praise Him for the help I had from family and friends while I was sick (before the rest of my family got it too). The whole list goes on and on, but includes gratitude for at home COVID-19 test kits, knowing the symptoms of the other people at daycare who got sick, the ability to work remotely, and a husband who is so loving and patient to wrangle the kids.

Before the storm, when I was starting to get that scratchy throat. The kids wanted a snuggley movie night. I treasure these moments!

I’ve begun to view times of illness and quarantine as God’s gentle way of grounding me and reminding me to slow down. It always seems like we get sick during the busiest times of the year for us - of course, that means we are in contact with more people and germs, so logically, it makes sense.

But I do think it can be a blessing in disguise. Right now, all we are able to do is spend time together, stay home, work remotely, relax and rest. While I would love to do all of those things in perfect health, it’s not always easy to remember to do them! Often with good health, comes busy calendars!

My challenge to you is to begin to trust God’s plan and try to reset your default to gratitude or positivity. Sometimes things like COVID-19 are going to ruin your plans…but that doesn’t mean you have to have a miserable mindset throughout the whole experience.

“And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up.”

— James 5:15

I praise God for this new way of flipping the script on life that I’m learning!

A Compassionate God

Recently, I’ve been diving into the book of Jeremiah.

I came across a few different portions of scripture where God is describing the horrible things he is going to do to the Israelites and their children. Throughout the Old Testament there are several instances where God punishes His people by punishing their children.

This broke my heart.

There were so many children dying because of the sins of their parents.

I prayed on this for a little while, wondering why God wouldn’t just punish the actual sinners for their sins, why did the children have to suffer for their parents? They were innocent.

I always thought that God punished the Israelites with the death of their children as a way of breaking their family line, essentially ending their lineage. It can be so easy to forget that they were people just like we are, with feelings, goals, and loved ones.

Their children were everything to them, just like ours are for us today. They weren’t just about securing a family legacy or making a few more farm hands.

I wonder if maybe this is the most severe punishment humans can endure.

The worst pain I can imagine as a parent is watching my children suffer or even enduring their death.

I mean, I can hardly stand it when they are sick!

Recently, my kids caught some little virus, which started with my son, and eventually hit my daughter. In a moment of worry for my son’s recovery, a friend of mine reminded me how important it is to take a step back in moments where you’re overcome with worry, fear, or anxiety, especially for your children. She reminded me that sometimes, just remembering to thank God for the opportunity to be worried about my child can help alleviate my fears.

Shortly after this conversation with my friend, my daughter got sick. While it wasn’t entirely unexpected, after the time it took for my son to kick whatever it was and get back to himself, it made me pretty concerned for how she might handle the same thing.

As I started to fret, I remembered the conversation with my friend and began to thank and praise God for my many blessings. I gave gratitude for my daughter, the strengthening of her immune system, that she wasn’t super sick, my son, his health, and so on and so forth.

It seemed with every blessing I named out loud, no matter how big or small, I felt the weight of fear lighten on my shoulders.

When I think about that whole situation, I’m so grateful that they weren’t more sick. But I remember the many times God punished the Israelites with the demise of their children and praise Him for being the loving God we know since Jesus.

That thought brought me to another truth.

God knows how painful that punishment truly would be and is for any parent who endures it because He endured it for all of us.

He sent His only son to die for our sins. From the moment Jesus entered our world, it was planned. God knew exactly what would happen and how, and yet, because He loves us, He went through with it anyway.

The God I serve is not without compassion or understanding.

It is so naive of me to think that when my heart is breaking here on earth that God doesn’t understand.

This might be the biggest takeaway from the Book of Jeremiah that I’ve had so far.

Upon surface level reading, it seems like God is just super mad and tired of dealing with the Israelites’ sinful ways. It just seems like He’s “over them” and wants to completely wipe them off the earth in a fit of rage.

But as I read through the chapters, God is telling the whole story, and I find it to be filled with such a deep grief. God isn’t just mad, He’s devastated.

Perhaps He was grieving, feeling rejected, disappointed, sad, frustrated, and angry, just like we would. After all, we are made in His image.

I empathize with Jeremiah for being the listening ear for God, a punching bag for the rest of Judah, and the messenger everyone wanted to shoot. From my reading so far, he earned the right to be called the weeping prophet. I can’t imagine anyone who could live through what he did and not be even a little emotional or moved to tears regularly.

What brings me comfort is knowing that when I feel deeply and utterly alone in this world, surrounded by anxiety and fear or disappointment and heartbreak, God knows how I feel. He’s felt it for Himself and He feels it with us when we are struggling.

For me, sometimes just knowing that someone else has felt what I’m feeling or has been through what I’m going through can make all the difference. In this moment, it is especially helpful to know that my Father in heaven doesn’t expect me to always be happy - just faithful.

Why You Should Know Your “Why”

The more time I spend with God, I learn that it is not of His character to make us feel shame, fear or guilt.

I often talk about the Bible study that changed my walk with Christ, I will share it again here because I genuinely cannot give enough praise to God for inspiring the author to write it. It’s called, “Take Courage,” by Jennifer Rothschild and will surely change your life if you are someone who often suffers from worry, anxiety, and fear.

One thing Ms. Rothschild covers at great length in the Bible study is that fear, guilt, and shame DO NOT come from God.

If you have accepted Jesus in your life as your Lord and Savior, your sins have already been forgiven, so what would the point be in keeping score?

But you know who does keep score and likes to remind you regularly of everything about you that makes you human and sinful? Satan. He works day in and day out to ensure you’re paralyzed by fear, guilt, anxiety, and shame, to prevent you from living out the life God has planned for you.

I say all of this to establish a foundation for what God has been putting on my heart lately.

Over the last couple months, when I am working through any problem or concern, the first thought that pops into my mind is often, “Seek the Kingdom first.” At first I thought it might’ve just been my mind remembering scripture that could be helpful in the moment (which absolutely could be true), but as I have continued to walk this path with the Lord and have spent time getting to know Him, I believe it might be the Holy Spirit whispering a gentle reminder to me.

That reminder set me straight many times, but I still don’t feel like I have fully grasped how to maintain such a level of commitment. Let me explain.

I have a hard enough time staying focused on any interest of mine longer than a couple months, let alone for the rest of my life.

So then I asked for clarity. What does it look like to “Seek first the Kingdom?” In some situations, I think it is easy to follow that command. Other times? It feels a little more complicated.

As we have continued on our debt free journey and gotten “Gazelle Intense” as Dave Ramsey would say, I always start to waiver and question my commitment. I worry that I’m making my priority the money of this world or idolizing the Ramsey plan. There have been so many moments lately where I have gotten so worried about idolizing money and things, that I just wouldn’t even touch or allow myself to spend time on anything related to the debt free journey.

Who do you think was causing my mind to doubt and telling me lies about my purpose for choosing the debt free path? It wasn’t God.

As I continued to pray about this night after night, I started to worry that maybe I was prioritizing this over my faith and relationship with God.

But it doesn’t stop there. I’ve been hard-pressed lately to understand the ministry God has planned for me. I’ve prayed nightly that He would reveal his grand plan to me so I could start living out my life for Him.

Yes. You read that right. As if I couldn’t start living my life for Him RIGHT NOW.

I’ve mentioned my mentor friend a lot lately, and in this area I am certain God delivered her in to my life to set me straight and give me guidance that was based in His truth and wisdom.

She has regularly challenged me to think beyond the boundaries of what my brain perceives is possible. However, she has also given me truth in kindness. After I passionately told her what my hopes and dreams are, she said something like, “Why not start doing that now?”

Because I tend to think in a very black-and-white manner, this sort of made my brain stop dead in its tracks. How could I possibly start doing any of that now while I don’t have any of the things I need to be in that situation?

BECAUSE IT ISN’T ALL OR NOTHING. If I want to be a stay-at-home mom and my passion is spending time with my children learning and growing, what is stopping me from having those moments now?! Nothing. Not a single thing.

I could make excuses all day about why I don’t have time, but the truth is, we prioritize this every weekend. During the week, I forget that we have the opportunity every evening after dinner to do something together as a family. WHY CAN’T I start intentionally building in time with my family if it brings me such joy?

Her question for me was, “How can you intentionally build in time with your family weekly and how often can you do it?” She pointed out that if that was bringing me so much joy, why not try to do more of it.

Now, this whole thing seems obvious, but truly, it was a paradigm shift for me.

But why did I tell you this whole story? Don’t worry, I’m getting there.

This joy I was getting from my family time? Guess who started making me feel insecure about my priorities again? It wasn’t God, if you’re wondering.

I know my priorities, in order, should be God, Family, Work/Vocation, etc. Between our debt free journey and my family-time freedom, I started to worry I had pushed God down a couple notches in that list.

But this is where God stepped in with a powerful reminder. Why am I doing either of those things?

As I began to disect my “why,” it became very clear that this “conviction” I was feeling might not have been from God.

Why are we on a debt free journey? Because it makes everything else possible. We aren’t trying to tie ourselves further to our earthly possessions or things, we are trying to break the chains that we took on as part of the debt we secured. We are trying to unchain ourselves from the earthly possessions that seemed so important to us at the time that we borrowed money to get them, rather than following the biblical wisdom that specifically argues against debt.

Why does my family take a priority for me in this life? Because part of the ministry I feel that God is leading me toward is Motherhood! I have always felt an intense longing for a big family. I want biological children and adopted children, I want to help other people raise their babies, and I want to share and trade parenting advice with other parents. I have always been sure of one thing - I was going to be a mom. God placed that on my heart early in life and the passion behind it has never waivered. So spending time in this area of my life is only an act of worship to the Lord. I am glorifying Him through gratitude and love for the wonderful blessing He’s given me.

So when I asked God for more about the HOW of “Seeking first the Kingdom,” I was met with, “die to this world.” It was actually a little morbid when I realized what had just crossed my mind.

Then as I read this week’s scripture in preparation for our Sunday Service, Paul talked extensively about the Resurrection of Christ and the role it plays in our faith. (1 Corinthians 15)

He didn’t explicitly say to die to our earthly possessions, but he very clearly discussed that our bodies, our things, our legacy here, will all stay when we die and leave this world behind. Our earthly bodies cannot enter heaven or live for eternity with Christ.

I prayed that God would lead me as I wrote this evening and this message definitely went in a different direction than I expected. If you have things in your life that could be an idol or taking precedence over Jesus, I encourage you to take some time and map out your WHY for spending time on it. It could reveal something to you about your journey with Christ!

If the Devil Can't Make You Bad, He'll Make You Busy

This weekend, my family got together for our Annual Girls Weekend Trip. The idea that started the trip is essentially, family bonding. All the women on my mom’s side of my family, ages 21 and older, are invited to the Annual Girl’s Weekend trip. If you know my mom’s family, you also know how big of a house we need and how crazy things can get!

Something that is really spectacular about the trip is that in these big houses, we are able to do as we please. The majority of us are mothers, so this is adult time away from work, the kids, and the hustle and bustle, that is often treasured. Some choose to watch movies or read a book, others sit around the pool or lake (depending on location), and others still choose to dance, sing, or play cards. No matter what is happening, there is always smiling, laughter and bonding happening around every corner.

This year, in preparation for my maternity leave, I worked a full week of work. So even when we arrived at the house, I was still working remotely. I found myself feeling isolated in some ways, but in others, I was happy to have a peaceful environment to work in.

But once I logged off for the week today, I noticed myself feeling a little…awkward and antsy. I tried to sit and take an introspective look inside myself, seeking to understand my awkward feeling.

I didn’t want to sit still or walk or swim. I considered watching a movie or reading a book, but quickly decided I didn’t want to “be” anywhere but here. So I planted myself in a rocking chair on the most beautiful deck overlooking the horse fields, and silently started talking to God.

Why to I feel so antsy? I feel so restless but I don’t have to be anywhere, do anything, or serve anyone in this moment but myself. This is the first time in a while that my time has felt like it belonged to me. But why do I feel like I should be doing anything but sit and enjoy?

As I sat in silence, listening intently for God’s reply, the first thought that popped into my head was, “if the Devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.”

I’m blessed to have been chatting with an incredible woman of Christ lately, who has been mentoring me and already pushing me outside of my comfort zone in many respects. She shared that phrase with me last week and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head since.

What strikes me so hard about it, is the undeniable truth of distraction. God’s plan for us can often take us places we never imagined, introduce us to people we never expected to know, and challenge us in every possible way. Living our lives focused on God’s way, not our own, is difficult! So what does the enemy do when you’re laser focused on God’s will for your life?

He does what he can to distract you from the one thing you’re putting your energy into.

What strikes me most about this train of thought…the ways he distracts you may not be sinful at all.

I’ve worked a little harder on my character lately. God has given me a role model in Proverbs 31, and I try to be more conscious about my areas of growth. I plan to write more on those areas sometime soon, but my point is, I’ve been pretty acutely aware of my sinful actions and nature lately. The things I struggle most with in that regard have been at the forefront of my mind and while I haven’t been perfect (because none of us are) that consciousness has helped me gain a little more control and awareness over my sinful choices.

What I’m getting at: I don’t think I have been particularly “bad” lately.

But I have been busy.

Recently, our family has taken strides to ensure we are more organized. We put up a calendar in our hallway, which is regularly updated, and began meal planning as a part of our debt free journey. If you look at the calendar in our hallway, it is packed full of appointments and events that we are currently involved in. BUSY.

Some of the activities are associated with our church, others are family oriented, but the morality of the events is neutral overall. Nonetheless, we have been so busy, we haven’t been thinking through every activity or opportunity presented to us. Just moving from one activity to the next.

Even my mind has been busy lately. I’ve been constantly thinking about opportunities to make more money to help with our financial journey, things we might need to do before the baby comes, mentally creating to do lists for every area of my life, and even researching every idea that turns into an overthought.

So as I sat on this deck, rocking away in some of the most beautiful scenery and temperatures I’ve experienced in recent Missouri history, I was ashamed to say my mind and body felt the need to be engaged in something.

I feel that God might’ve thrown that reminder my way in an effort to tell me to just be in this moment, in this beautiful day He made. It occurred to me that my restlessness might be more related to my need to sit and be still.

I’ll leave you with this. If you’re like me and have felt this incessant pull to be busy and loud, remember that sometimes, God needs us to be still and quiet.

I love this song that I heard recently on this topic - give it a listen!

Bloom Where You Are Planted

Do you ever have a week where you just know God is speaking to you? Or maybe you don’t know God is speaking to you, but maybe you keep receiving the SAME message over and over again?

I’m having one of those weeks.

In fact, I’ve now gotten the same message from four very separate sources. I know God is sending me truth.

Tuesday, my therapist and I were discussing some frustrations I’ve been having lately and she gave me some homework. My homework is to unapologetically give answers to smaller tasks. For example, if someone offered me a cupcake, instead of saying, “No, I can’t have it because I’m gluten free,” I should say, “No, thank you.” Do you see the difference?

A very wise friend of mine, whom I was also chatting with in the last week, gave me similar advice. She said, “Decision doesn’t equal excuse.” What she meant was, I can make a decision and that decision doesn’t also have to be an excuse. It can just be a decision.

I often get caught up with the idea that it isn’t fair to others if I don’t give them an explanation for why I can’t attend something or why I didn’t answer my phone or why I chose to design something the way I did. But in truth, it’s really okay to just give a simple, “yes” or “no”.

Sometimes I lament the person I used to be. I think I have always been a bit of an “explainer” because I didn’t want my answer to offend someone or make them think poorly of me, but before I went through a lot of trauma across a couple different jobs and realized some of my childhood baggage, I was actually a pretty confident and unapologetic individual.

Of course, if something I said upset someone and they came to me later to talk about it, I would apologize, but would always try to make it right. Usually, that was by talking through what I said and clearing the air. Often, I just had my foot in my mouth, and really didn’t mean anything harmful.

But I remember how optimistic and confident I used to be and think about how wonderful it could’ve been to have held onto that. Then I remember that looking back doesn’t serve me, because I know for every mountain I feel I have climbed there was a valley or Promised Land on the other side.

I’m finally regaining that confidence back bit by bit. I’m smiling more and noticing that my mind doesn’t always think through every worst case scenario first. Overall, my mental wellbeing has been tremendously better.

That being said, the third place that God sent this message to me was through a new mentor. She lovingly told me that an area of growth for me would be to stop apologizing and own what is on my heart, be confident in what I’m saying.

I’ve known that this skill had been lost on me for a while, but seriously, when you hear a similar message from three different sources over the course of a week, it becomes blatantly obvious that I need to work on it!

At this point, I felt pretty confident that God was showing me the next area of growth I need to master before the rest of His plan for my life could be fulfilled.

As a reminder, I’ve been praying regularly for God to reveal to me His plan for my ministry and my life. While I don’t know that I have concrete answers, I do feel that His trials are giving me hope that my dreams are aligning with His plans in some ways.

Well, in comes the fourth source of this message. I turned on the most recent episode of a podcast I really enjoy, “WHOA That’s good” with Sadie Robertson Huff. The title was, “You Don’t Have to Look to Anyone Else for Validation.”

In that moment, I immediately said, “OKAY OKAY OKAY!” I’m sure God got a good laugh.

In that podcast, her guest said something that stuck with me for this journey I’m on. “Bloom where you are planted.”

It was the exact encouragement I felt I needed to hear. I’ve felt a little stuck lately, with lots of ideas, things I’m excited about, dreams for my life and for my family, and no feasible path forward other than continuing on the journey we are on.

I can’t say I’ve ever been known for my patience, but I’d say my impatience has been driving lately. Even as I have tried to find contentment in every venture, I notice myself still longing for another day when [insert any situation] will be better, bigger, stronger, more affordable, easier, etc.

But the truth is, I need to be living and attentive NOW. I need to be making the best of every situation, NOW.

Right now, I’m in the middle of a financial journey to debt freedom. Other than my relationship with God, that is my primary focus because once that box is checked off, all my other dreams become possible.

Knowing this, I need to get comfortable in this season of “beans and rice” as Dave would say. We are living like no one else today, so we can live and give like no one else later.

I guess my encouragement is this: If you’re like me and impatiently waiting on an answer from God, know that you aren’t alone in the way you feel. But even more so, try to remember that God has a plan for you and for me. It will always be revealed in His perfect timing. In the meantime, we wait, pray, love, and continue to grow in whatever ways we can. If you’re like me, God will make it obvious what those areas are.

“For God says, ‘At just the right time, I heard you. On the day of salvation, I helped you.’ Indeed, the ‘right time’ is now. Today is the day of salvation.”

— 2 Corinthians 6:2

Car Rides with Children

I’m not sure if you’ve ever ridden in a car with a toddler, but let me tell you, the conversation is always interesting.

As the parent in the car, sometimes it is tempting to get pulled into every conversation, turned argument, turned lamentation. However, something my husband and I have learned, is that at some point, we just have to stop responding.

Take this evening for example. We went to the Linn football game. While at the game, our children were actually great! They had activities in a backpack to keep them occupied and were minimally crabby, even after we passed my youngest’s bedtime. My little loves were just enjoying the time with family outdoors.

As soon as we decided that it was time to leave, my youngest was so ready to go, she was about to leave all of us behind. From a parenting perspective, I appreciated her readiness and ambition, however, it really isn’t a good reflection on a parent when an 18+ month old starts walking off on her own.

My son chose the opposite route. In fact, he wasn’t so much bothered by leaving the football game, but was upset when he found out that bed was the next step when he arrived home. “Can’t I just stay up for a little bit longer?”

The answer was no, and after saying “No,” in as many direct and creative ways as I could, after explaining in great detail why he had to go straight to bed when he got home, and trying my best to ensure he felt heard, my husband and I instituted the silent treatment.

Now, don’t shame me as a parent yet, it isn’t the silent treatment in the traditional sense of the phrase. It was more like, “We will no longer be responding to or participating in THIS conversation.” We were welcoming to any other topic, but couldn’t be clearer that the answer was absolutely not going to change.

When I thought about this parenting strategy, I wondered if that is what God feels like sometimes. We are the toddler in the backseat absolutely PLEADING for something and God has given answers to us left and right that we ignored. We continue to plead and He just remains silent for a while on the topic because His answer was clear, we just didn’t want to hear it.

I also wondered if God simply doesn’t respond to our prayers sometimes because of how ridiculous we sound, unbeknownst to us. In my mind, this looks like when my son and daughter are sitting in the backseat blowing raspberries and shouting words or phrases that make no sense in context.

No seriously, tonight my son gave me an entire 2 minute monologue comprised of the word, “Bottle,” at varying volumes.

I didn’t have a response to that, obviously, so I shook my head and smiled.

I wonder how often God just shakes His head and smiles at our prayers and our daily adventures.

But what is so interesting to me, is that in those moments that my kids are saying something that is, in my mind, rhetorical, they get so upset when they feel they aren’t being heard…

Does that sound familiar or what? I know people who have abandoned their faith entirely over feeling as if “no one was listening” when they were praying. But the real question is, were THEY listening?

In my experience, and honestly, maybe it isn’t a lot, God isn’t always going to kick you in the pants to get His answer across. In fact, I think most of the time, His answers are subtle and meant for us to slow down and study like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle.

Something that has been heavy on my heart and mind lately has been my ministry with God. What is my calling? How can I use the talents and gifts God has given me to glorify Him? And when I do figure that out, how can I possibly make time to do it while working full-time and raising a family?

While I don’t think these questions are out of line, I think the bigger issue is the steps I’m trying to skip to get to the answer.

God has given me answers in HIS time through everything in my life so far, why should now be any different?

I was reminded by someone this evening, whom I’ve asked for some mentorship, that it will always happen in His perfect timing. We as Christians believe that! So we need to trust that, no matter how painful or difficult waiting might seem, God’s plan is always going to be bigger and better than anything we could ever imagine.

That same mentor reminded me that God is a great teacher. He doesn’t just throw you into something you don’t understand, at least not often. Most of the time, He teaches you all the skills you need to do His work before putting you in a direct position to do it.

She used the example of Noah and the Ark. Everyone remembers that Noah built the ark at God’s command, but it’s often forgotten all that Noah learned and did prior to God’s request of Him to build the ark - learning carpentry, craftsmanship, building his faith, etc.

This was a fantastic reminder of God’s polishing process and the phrase, “He prepares you for what He prepares for you.” Two things I regularly try to keep in mind. I am so grateful that God brought her into my life by way of my job. I’ve only had a couple conversations with her, but her wisdom and willingness to be a vessel is incredible, inspiring, and admirable.

But her wise advice lead me to this answer after my pondering in the car on the ride home: sometimes God’s answer is silence. That silence doesn’t mean, “yes,” “no,” or “maybe,” it is simply silence. There are lots of things that the silence COULD mean, but at the end of the day, God does hear you.

One of my favorite worship songs, “Yes I Will,” by Vertical Worship, has a lyric that sticks in my mind in times like this. “In the waiting, the same God who’s never late, is working all things out.”

Don’t give up just because you don’t hear Him now. You never know, maybe tomorrow your answer will come!

The Value in Fellowship

Photo of the adult class. It grew this week!

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“All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer.”

— Acts of the Apostles‬ ‭2‬:‭42‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Last week, our church started up Fellowship nights for the year. Every Wednesday we get together, have a quick dinner, and head to our respective classes. There are classes for all ages - even the nursery is open for the babies!

I have had the most wonderful time at each fellowship night so far and I think God is putting it on my heart to share about it with you.

But first, I want to step back for a moment. Approximately two years ago, I was not quite as hyped on activities at church as I am now.

Around that time, my husband had accepted his call to ministry and I naively thought that it was just going to be another job, not particularly impacting me. WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

It didn’t take me long to realize that ministry was demanding and didn’t often follow a regular 9-5 schedule…at all.

As a new parent, this realization struck hard with stress, anxiety, resentment, and definitely a lot of self-pity. I remember saying, “I don’t understand how it can be God’s will that he is off spending all his time raising other children when his own child is at home without him.”

While the thought wasn’t entirely wrong, it was shortsighted and assumed I had no role in that problem.

I remember stressing about the expectations that presumably come with being a pastor’s wife, the selflessness that might be expected of me… the inconvenience. Thinking back to my mentality at that time, I’m almost embarrassed.

In the spirit of giving myself a little grace, I was working a very VERY stressful job at the time. In fact, the job I had came with a very tough environment that ALWAYS left me mentally, emotionally and physically drained by the time I picked up my child - soon to be children. Of course I was throwing myself a pity-party! I was constantly pouring from an empty cup and relying on my husband to pick up my slack at the end of every day. So on the nights that he was gone, I felt loads of resentment toward him for leaving me to manage the chaos alone.

I remember a time when Church held fellowship nights - but I don’t think it was as in depth and extensive as it is now. I don’t recall there being a children’s class or nursery available. If I’m being honest, I doubt I’d have used it if there was.

Coming from a Catholic background, or at least the parish I came from, there really isn’t an option for children other than sticking it out through church. I remember when my sister was a toddler at church. My mom would stock a bag full of the essentials, tons of snacks, books, and even some quiet toys to try to keep her occupied, but most of all, quiet. As she grew, obviously the expectation was for her to begin to participate in the mass.

So when I started attending our church, even after I realized there were options for babies and kids other than sitting through church, I didn’t allow my children to participate. The mentality I brought with me from my previous church was something like, “If they get to play and have fun outside of the sanctuary all the way up until they are ‘old enough’ to sit through service, the transition will be nearly impossible because church isn’t fun.”

HA! Church can totally be fun, but I digress, past Ashton had some work to do to learn that.

I remember sitting at home on Wednesday nights, watching the clock and just counting down the minutes until my husband came home. I had tried to bring my kids to the Wednesday night fellowship and classes, and mostly just ended up even more exhausted and leaving shortly after dinner. I felt that if I was only going to be there chasing my children around, I would rather stay home and chase them, because at least then I had systems in place and could ask my mom for help. This became my excuse for attending so little.

Occasionally, I would ask my mom to take care of the kids on some Wednesdays, just so I could feel that I was meeting the expectations that literally no one expressed to me in being a Pastor’s Wife. I didn’t do this often, as I didn’t want to burn my mom out and ultimately, felt like it was my responsibility to raise my kids.

Reflecting on all of this makes me very proud of the growth I’ve had in the last couple years. I know I have more growth to experience before this life is over, but I’m so glad the Lord pulled me back into this relationship with Him.

After a series of unfortunate events, I had no choice but to rely on the services that the church offered. As a worship leader at our church, there were many Sundays that my kids needed a place to go while we were in band practice. Sunday School. Then, as my son got into his full on toddler years, there seemed to be nothing to keep him satisfied during church. We sit in the very front, so it is no secret to the congregation when I had to bring him out to try to settle him down or needed a break myself.

It was also easier with just one child. But once we added my daughter, with her own wants, needs, and expectations of entertainment during service, it was a whole new ballgame. So we started using the nursery.

Not long after that, our church made an incredible decision to hire a Children’s Program Director. SHE IS AMAZING. My kids love her so much, which made it even easier to start sending them regularly to the nursery or Sunday School. Around this same time, our church also started a program for preschool age kids during service. It is a perfect environment for them to begin learning about God and Jesus at an age appropriate level.

After a little coaxing, my son became a regular attendee of Wee Worship and now looks forward to it every Sunday.

All of this to say, it truly takes a village to raise children. Without these church programs, I would probably still be sulking at home and pouring from an empty cup.

The adult bible study class has been absolutely lovely and exciting. It was full of great conversation, scripture, and just time spent with God. If you’re in the area, come out and join us on Wednesdays! If you aren’t in the area, I encourage you to check into your church or FIND a church and see what activities they have to offer. Because finding fellowship with other Christ-minded individuals was inspiring and fulfilling. And if you’re in a situation like I mentioned above where maybe you feel trapped or that isn’t bringing you joy, I offer you a couple pieces of advice.

1. Recognize your part in your misery. When I was in that situation, I was blissfully ignorant about my role in my disappointment and resentment. I regularly avoided opportunities for my children to experience the children’s programs at our church because I stubbornly felt it was MY job to raise them. Are you holding yourself back? Are you sitting in your “own mess” (so-to-speak) and don’t know where to start to get out of it? The first step is seeking God. He’ll show you where to go from there. Not to mention, your children, like mine, benefit from learning from other people, and will grow even stronger in their faith because of the testimonies of others and the passion they pour into your children.

2. Analyze your situation and identify the root cause of your emotions. Using my example from above, was it the fact that my husband was working late on Wednesdays and spending his time with other children that bothered me? Or was it the fact that I was out of my metaphorical spoons long before my workday was complete? The problem was my job, not my husband spending time in God’s presence. I’m so glad he patiently endured that season with me.

3. Pray and ask God for guidance. God just might be using that time of miserableness to lead you in the direction He needs you to move in. With a little prayer, you might start the conversation with God that reveals His wonderful plan for you.

I’m here for you if you ever need to talk, but if it’s fellowship you’re looking for? Tap into your local resources and let God lead you to your next big adventure.

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I’m excited to share this fall I’ll be helping teach an adult class for Fellowship Night! If you have questions, please reach out! I’m excited to help others with their finances and build a support system for myself and others for getting out of debt! You can sign up for the class here.

Fear of a Fire

God has been putting this message on my heart and I think it is imperative that I put it out there. I’m not sure who needs to hear it, but I pray God speaks through me into your heart.

I’m going to start with a question and I want you to keep it in mind as you read.

What are you afraid of?

While in CO, I had the absolute pleasure of a lifetime of baptizing my sister and her friend in the pond on the mountain. They have been praying over this decision for the last few years. Being raised Catholic, it was a complicated and confusing decision that didn’t always come with the support of their Catholic friends and family. A decision I am very familiar with.

Catholics believe that sprinkling water as a baby is all the baptism you need. Committing your life to Christ upon your own volition happens when you’re confirmed, typically around jr high to high school age.

While I was older than these girls when I felt God’s intense pressure on my heart to be immersed in baptism and knowingly choose to follow Christ, I still had to battle the giants of the faith I was familiar with and the possibility of disappointing my parents and family in the process.

What are you afraid of?

One of the first preachers to take the stage and bring a message to the massive crowd at NYR, Aaron Chambers, addressed these giants. It’s as if God spoke through him directly to those two girls in our group that day, moving them to tears.

He was referencing the story of David and Goliath. David was the least likely candidate to defeat the largest and most terrifying guy in the land. Not to mention he did it with a few stones and a sling. Mr. Chambers covered a lot of wonderful points, but one thing he hammered down on, is giants and how to arm yourself against them.

For all of us, those giants look different. Examples he gave spanned from depression, anxiety, and cutting, to what is going to be waiting for you when you get home such as parents and family who might disagree or not understand the decision to be baptized.

These two girls had been wanting to get baptized for the last two years that they attended NYR, however, not being 18, they needed their parents permission, which they did not receive. This year, now legally adults, they didn’t need their parents permission and they went through with this decision, praying fervently that God would soften the hearts of their families at home. The giants they were walking in the shadows of were going to be waiting for them when they got home. They had so many fears, but decided after a few days of prayer on the mountain, that their faith in God was bigger than the giants they were going to face upon their return.

WHAT are you afraid of?

In the fall of 2014, I attended a church service at the church I now frequent every Sunday. It wasn’t my first time there, but something about the service that day felt different, as if God had planned every piece of it just for me. Not only was there a very moving baptism at the church that day, there was also a passionate worship service and song special accompanying a message from the preacher that must’ve tied all of it together. All I know is that I was crying during the final song of the church service and something in my heart was telling me I needed to be baptized. This was difficult to understand, as I had never before felt God’s presence so overwhelmingly in church that it moved me to tears. I also didn’t understand why I needed to be baptized, because I already was…right?

God didn’t let me off the hook though. My boyfriend (now husband) noticed how the service impacted me and I talked with him on the way home about everything that I was feeling. His advice was to pray about it! So I did. Trust me, God isn’t subtle when He is trying to move you on the path He’s made for you.

That whole week, I could not be around a radio anywhere without the first song I heard being about water. Specifically, the song that kept greeting me EVERY time I was around a radio was “Something in the Water” by Carrie Underwood. This song wasn’t even at the top of the charts to my memory. Even Zach started to get a laugh about this answer from God on a constant loop while I labored over this seemingly scary decision.

After three days of God’s relentless musical loop, I spoke with the youth pastor at the church and set plans to be baptized the following Sunday. THAT is when the fears really sank in. I now had to talk to my parents about this decision and hope that they wouldn’t desert me for wanting a closer relationship with God.

Ultimately, I think it went well. My dad even came to my baptism, although I know he fought through his own disappointment and fear of what it all meant for me and my future. I’m forever grateful to him for making the decision to support me, even though it was hard for him to understand my choice. I gained a level of trust and respect for my dad that day that I never had before and now, as a parent, I’m even more grateful for the example he set for me.

Are you wondering why I keep asking you this question yet? Hang in there, I think this is all important context to the message I want to share with you. WHAT are YOU afraid of?

Everyone’s experience post-baptism is different I’m sure, but I remember feeling the most intense feeling of freedom. Like I was light and brand new, ready to literally fight a giant if given the opportunity. In fact, I was so on-fire for my new found faith in God that I did at least one art piece about it in college.

For a while I attended both the Catholic Church and the Non-Denominational Christian Church, starting to feel split down the middle between the familiarity of the church I grew up in and the overwhelming newness and depth of the church I was recently baptized in. I think Satan saw an opportunity and struck. After a few months, I was sleeping in on Sunday mornings, forgetting to pray before bed, and generally running from religion in the traditional sense because that was easier than facing my fears and addressing the giants that Satan was using as road blocks on my path. I continued on this journey for a couple more years until Zach and I got engaged and had to decide where we were getting married.

Having both been born and raised Catholic, our first stop was the Catholic Church, meeting with a priest to start the marriage process. I’ll spare you the details of that meeting, but just know that I cried through most of it, and not in the same way I shed tears at the other church service before my decision to get baptized. These were not positive tears. Something felt so wrong about that meeting I cried the whole way home, and when we got to my parents house, I cried as I told my parents about it. Even my dad seemed alarmed at my emotional reaction and again supported my decision to try talking to the pastors at the Christian church I had been attending.

During our meeting with the same pastor who baptized me a couple years earlier, I felt nothing but peace. The rest is history, but recently, it occurred to me that God didn’t stutter. He was pretty clear where he wanted me from the start of all this. It was my fear of what others would think of me and the unknown that held me back. There is a reason I cried through that whole meeting with the priest. There was a reason I felt unexplainable peace and comfort just going into the meeting with the pastor at the Christian church.

I swear this is the last time I will ask this question without immediately divulging my point. What are you afraid of?

At NYR, God’s presence is tangible and obvious. Attending as an adult, I still felt it and felt shaken and moved at every session and worship service. Can you imagine that feeling at the age of 14-18 years old? I was 20 years old before I felt that feeling in that church service. It was overwhelming, scary, and beautiful, but I was well into making decisions for myself by then. I felt a fire deep in my soul and I wanted to share with everyone the power and wonder of Jesus Christ that I now felt in my heart.

It turns out there were two pieces that year about my baptism.

In fact, when I shared about the art piece I made about my baptism in my final critique in the fall semester of 2014, I did share the feeling I now held in my heart and the faith that I had gained. Satan knew exactly what to do to shake me. I noticed the deafening silence in the critique from my peers who normally have lots to say about the artwork being presented. There was an awkwardness in that hallway that’s hard to describe. It left me feeling judged, outcast, now labeled a “holy roller” or “Jesus freak.”

The kids that go on this trip…they feel that fire in their heart for God. They feel closer to Him than anywhere else when they are on that mountain.

But when they come home, they feel the same feelings I did in that final critique. They feel that the fire that has been lit in their hearts for Jesus is being dampened, if not put out, by all of the fears of inadequacy, disappointment, doubt, and the labels they might receive.

But as someone who has reignited that flame and found their way back to Christ, I implore you to cast out the fears you’re holding in your heart that are keeping you from Christ.

What are you afraid of?

Is it the judgement of your parents, family, or friends? Are you afraid they won’t love you anymore for devoting yourself to Jesus?

Are you scared that your friends won’t like you anymore because you made a friend in Jesus? I hate to tell you this, but if that is true, they weren’t really your friends to begin with.

Are you afraid of the unknown? God created darkness before light, so you should expect that the path will be dark and scary at first, but trusting in Him will give you that light you need to see the path He has made for you.

Is it a fear of discomfort? Of leaving the familiar for whatever He is calling you to? I hate to tell you this, but God has a way of seeing your comfort and pushing you right out of it to grow and change. To quote Aaron Chambers, He will prepare you for what He has prepared for you.

There has never been a time better than right now to light that fire under your faith and fully commit to Jesus.

In Matthew 13:1-23, Jesus tells the parable of the soils. A sower sewed seeds on the path, shallow soil, soil surrounded by thorns, and fertile soil. This is an analogy for our hearts. The shallow soil is what I personally experienced upon my baptism. I was passionate in my faith and growing fast, but quickly died when I got overwhelmed. I then was faced with the thorny soil. The world around me choked out my spiritual growth with the fear that I wasn’t worthy or of how I would be treated if I continued to let that fire burn. I now understand and pray that I’m getting closer to the fertile soil. My roots are growing deeper by the day and my hope is that by continuing to share my faith, that my fire will help you reignite yours or maybe light it for the first time.

“Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

— Matthew 13:18-23

It is time we, Christians, are unapologetic about our love for Christ. It won’t come without scrutiny or trial, Jesus himself said it wouldn’t be easy for Christians. But we are called to bring light and love into this world no matter the tribulations that we face along the way. It’s time we put down roots.

So, what are you afraid of? Nothing has changed my life as much as developing this relationship with Christ. Never in my life did I think I could hear God’s voice or regularly see His work in my life. But now, I see signs of His handiwork daily. I find myself more grateful than ever before for the small things. I am meeting my fears with prayer and confidence in my Savior. What is stopping you from letting God move in your life? What is keeping you from passionately choosing to follow Jesus?

I think it is important that I say this: I’m not shaming those parents for not allowing their daughters to be baptized. I know they meant well and were doing their best as parents! What I am saying? Catholics ARE Christians. But in my experience as a Catholic, there was never an opportunity to choose for myself to follow Christ. While that is what was supposed to happen with my confirmation into the Catholic faith, that was still not my choice so much as my parents saying that I had to do it.

Your parent’s faith cannot save you. One day, you’ll move out or your parent’s will pass on and you will not have them breathing down your neck to go to church, pray before meals, pray before bed, read your bible, etc. These girls, and younger me, never had the opportunity to choose for ourselves to follow Christ. Every opportunity was scripted and chosen for us. I promise I’m not dogging on Catholics. The point I’m trying to get at is that we all made a choice to be baptized to publicly declare our intention to follow Jesus.

Now it is the responsibility of those of us rooted in our faith to fan the flames for new believers like those girls. It doesn’t matter what denomination of Christianity you belong to, a new life in Christ should be a reason to celebrate!

Whether you’re Catholic, Christian, Baptist, or somewhere in-between, you have the same opportunity that those girls did to passionately follow Christ. Baptism may not be your path, but deciding that you’re going to rededicate your life to Christ can happen right now.

Preparation for the Great Journey

Davi at dinner before we left. Her and Ben were getting excited about “Kid Camp” with their grandmas while we were gone. She wanted us to know she was a “Cool Dude!”

The trip to Colorado for the Nationwide Youth Roundup (NYR) was an unexpected, incredible adventure.

For context, I have wanted to attend this trip for years. My husband, attending for his fifth year, has told me so many wonderful stories from his time at NYR over our time together, and it has only made me long for the day when I would finally be able to attend.

After a few years of deciding it wasn’t in the plan for me, I felt this year was my year, despite all the struggles of JUST trying to get to departure day.

When I finally had decided nothing was going to get in my way of this trip come hell or high water, I had my fair share of signs from God that I was on the right path. Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty of spiritual warfare, but God was ever-present and giving me clarity with each obstacle I faced. Here are just a few:

1. The Doubters - As I mentioned in my previous blog post, the minute I gave God a “YES” the world went from positive to negative. Everyone around me was suddenly filled with doubt and fear for my experience on this trip. While there really wasn’t much I could do to reassure any of them, the only answer I had in my heart was, “God is calling me to this mountain and I have to go.” Simply put, I can’t remember many other times in my life where I felt such a blinding need to be anywhere or do anything so desperately. I wasn’t compelled to argue with them, because normally, I would also think I was crazy! So I thanked each person for their concern and hoped they would pray for my safety as I went on this journey. Ultimately, I knew they were concerned for my safety and their intentions were sincere.

2. My employer - When I hurt my foot, I had already told my employer to just forget about the trip. Originally, the plan was that I would work for 5-6 hours each day as a way to ensure I had all the time I would need for maternity leave. Upon my injury, I assumed the trip was off for me, so rather than try to make up my time, I took days off when I needed to for doctor’s appointments, illness, and mental health. When God put it on my heart that I would now be attending NYR, this was a huge concern for me. Figuring up my paid time off for maternity leave left me a little discouraged.
   

   When I finished my calculations, I realized I would have just over 50 hours of leave between my sick and annual leave when I returned from maternity leave. While that is still over a week of leave, with a newborn and two toddlers, it wouldn’t be hard to burn through my remaining leave. As I continued to evaluate my situation, I had a realization that I can only believe came from the Lord Himself. In all of my planning, pre-injury and post, I hadn’t paid attention to a small, yet very significant detail. By the time I did all the work I could manage while on the mountain, I would have saved myself less than 15 hours of leave. 15 HOURS. So I refigured my math and decided the ask for my employer was to just be unplugged for the trip.
   

   Because I have a very compassionate and kind supervisor, she definitely expressed her concern for my decision (both for my health, any possible pregnancy complications that I wasn’t considering in the future, and the demanding schedule of a newborn in their first six months of life), but ultimately gave me her support and approved my leave.
   

   This felt like another sign that God was present in this journey.

3. God’s Words through a Friend…or Two - Two separate individuals were allowing God to speak through them, whether they knew it or not.
   

   The first was extremely supportive of my attendance of the trip from the minute I told her I was thinking about still attending post-injury. In fact, she even made multiple comments to the tune of, “I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I’m usually the friend that will tell you it is more important to take care of yourself and that you could always go next year!” She was so supportive of me going on the trip that she even helped me problem-solve several times, assisting me with “getting my ducks in a row” before take off.
   

   The other just happened to be passing through church one day when I was still working through the details of my attendance. He had asked how my foot was feeling and generally just made a little small talk. But for some reason, I felt compelled to tell him what was on my mind.
   

   “I don’t know why, but I just feel like I have to be there. My sister might decide to get baptized on the trip this year and I NEED to be there to support her,” I said.
   

   He followed my statement with something I hadn’t even considered. “Or be the one to do it.”
   

   In that moment, I actually started crying at the thought that I could even be the person to help my sister grow in her relationship with Christ. My heart started pounding in my chest as the tears flowed down my face. I was slightly embarrassed at my reaction, but I knew in that moment that had to be one of the reasons God was putting it on my heart to make this trip happen.

4. Food Accommodation - Since I can no longer have gluten, I was worried that my last minute decision to attend the trip would be met with the obstacle of “BUT WHAT WILL I EAT??” GOD BLESS the cooks who planned and prepared every meal. When I told them I would be attending, they didn’t even fret. They immediately updated the grocery list and made sure I would still eat my fair share on the mountain. AND DID I EVER. (Fair warning, this likely won’t be the last time I talk about the spiritual experience that was the food on this trip. I ate better than I do at home AND got to enjoy some of my favorite foods again that aren’t always easy to come by in a gluten free variety.)

If you’ve stuck around this far, I appreciate it. I’ll be starting to share more about the meat of the trip in my next post. While these are all small things, I think it is so important to recognize God’s hand in all of them and show my gratitude for His presence in all of it. Without the constant pang in my chest of encouragement, I’m not sure I would’ve pressed on amidst the many obstacles that arose from the day I said, “YES,” to God’s plan for me in this season.

The theme at NYR this year followed Psalm 23. Each day centered around a topic within that scripture: God’s Power, Presence, Peace, and Provision. These daily focuses were incredible and eye-opening. Until we arrived and began following that learning track, it didn’t occur to me to think about God’s daily presence. I always knew he was working in my life, but never really conceptualized that He’s always hanging out with me!

More on this later, because what I’m trying to say now, is God is always present. It is on us to open our eyes, hearts, and minds to the ways He’s working in our lives each and every day. I know I fall short often, but I’m grateful for God opening my eyes over the last few weeks in preparation for what He has planned for me.

Bennett entertaining himself in Ms. Autumns office while we loaded up the trailer for the trip. Play Dough for the win!

A C+ in a Test of Faith

First, I just want to say, God is so so good.

Recently, I wrote an article about hurting my ankle and missing out on a church trip to Colorado. If you didn’t see it, you can read it here.

To summarize, I gained an understanding that sometimes, when things happen in our lives, even when they happen directly to us, it isn’t always about a lesson God is teaching us. It isn’t always about OUR future. Sometimes it is about the impact our choices can make on other people and their futures. In the process of learning this lesson, I received a pretty messed up ankle and no hope left of going on the church’s youth group trip to Colorado.

Anyway, I assumed that was my lesson to learn and grapple with. However, as the trip got closer…I got restless and more and more frustrated.

I found myself coming up with things that I could do while my husband was on the trip to pass the time. When that stopped being a source of positivity, I decided with determination that I would at least take the boot off to drive, that way I would have some remnant of independence in my solitude. So I began to practice driving and walking around without the boot.

To my surprise, I noticed that I actually felt fine. Better than fine! I was walking around as if I hadn’t had a boot at all. With only a little bit of soreness if I did a LOT of walking, I was starting to feel even more restless.

Flash forward a week, I was still trying to grapple with my inability to go on the trip. I had resorted to suffering in solidarity, or so I thought…

Around the same time that my plans were ruined for going on the trip to sponsor, so were the plans of another sponsor. He had just started a new job and there was a mix up on the days he would need off work. Long story short, the employer ended up allowing another person the requested leave off, not the sponsor. The knowledge that I was not alone in my suffering was one of the main factors making the idea of not attending the trip a little more bearable.

And then, God made a way. The other sponsor was able to work something out with his employer and was now attending the trip. Upon receiving this news, my heart sank into my butt. I hadn’t realized just how much stock I was putting into the idea that, “at least I wasn’t the only person living with the devastation of missing this trip.” That’s when my restlessness became insurmountable.

My mind began racing. What if I was super careful? What if I practiced a little more without my boot? What if I went to my doctor and had him evaluate my ankle with hopes he’d sign off on the idea? Someone else on the trip would need to ride the golf cart up and down the mountain to camp…I could just tag along with him… The ideas and thoughts were running the Indie 500 through my brain and I was powerless to stop it.

I decided to vocalize all of the thoughts zooming through my mind. I went to Zach and launched the hypothetical “what if I just went…” monologue. He seemed unphased and said, “You’re going to do whatever you want anyway, why should I try to stop you.”

The fact that he didn’t say, “NO,” sent me on a rampage to get all of my theoretical ducks in a row and make it official.

I consulted a few other people before ultimately deciding that if my kids had care and I could work things out at my job, I was going come hell or high water.

This decision didn’t come without spiritual warfare. Leading up to this decision, many folks said, “Who knows! You might not have hurt your foot as bad as you think, you might still be able to go!” When I had finally solidified my plan to attend, suddenly, every person I spoke to about it was quick to tell me, “I’m really not so sure this is a good idea.”

Within the same week, the dog also needed an urgent vet appointment to remove a giant piece of stick from her teeth, daycare was closed and my children were on a rampage, and we were made aware of the rapidly declining health of my husband’s relative. There were many things trying to stifle my attendance of this trip.

All of these roadblocks and challenges were discouraging. I began to ponder if I was forcing the issue and it really was a bad idea to go. But the minute discouragement started to creep in, I was filled with this overwhelming urgency to “stay the course.”

Something - or someone - was telling me I was needed on that mountain. My desire to attend was replaced with a simple knowing that I couldn’t be anywhere else.

Despite a couple people disappointed that I was choosing to go on this trip rather than follow doctor’s orders, the moment I stepped out of the church van into the valley, I knew I was exactly where God wanted me.

I’m so excited to share more about my week on the mountain with you, but for now, I will leave you with this.

In the moment that I hurt my ankle, I had a choice to make. I could’ve had faith that the Lord would make a way, that He would provide for whatever I needed in order for me to attend this trip. The choice I made, however, was to assume God’s plan for this year’s Nationwide Youth Roundup did not include me.

In some ways, I believe this was a test of faith in God’s ability to move mountains, slay giants, and part the waters if necessary to make a way where there wasn’t one before. I’d give myself a C+ on my faithfulness in this season. I know the lesson I learned in that moment was valuable, but it was naive of me to think God was done! I lost faith for a while and remembered just before it was too late that through God, all things are possible.

I hope you’ll stick with me as I begin sharing some of the most wonderful experiences and big God moments that happened on the mountain and in the valley.

How Deep the Father’s Love for Us

My tiny humans singing with Zach, me, and the band during worship practice Sunday morning. I cannot describe the absolute joy this brought me! Thank you to my friend, Megan, for grabbing this fun photo!

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If you’ve ever heard that classic hymn, you know exactly where I’m going with this message. I hope you’ll stick around until the end anyway!

As our preacher gave his sermon today about God’s grace, I was stuck with a realization that shook me to my core.

Now look, what I’m about to say my realization was, is a little silly. It’s silly only because I’ve spent my entire life going to churches that very clearly boast the forgiveness of our sins through Christ’s death on the cross.

My realization? That God loved us so much, He not only gave His only son as a sacrifice for our sins, but died for us as well.

Did you catch it? God died for our sins through His son Jesus.

Look, I realize this has been foundational to my Christian faith for the entirety of my life, but I think the understanding has been surface level until today. Let me see if I can explain it a little better.

As our Pastor continued his sermon, he made mention of Romans 5:7-8.

“Now, most people would not be willing to die for an upright person, though someone might perhaps be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners.”

— Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭7‬-‭8‬ ‭NLT

Grandpa and Ben fell asleep together in the chair watching movies before bedtime.

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To put it simply, Christ died for all of us. Not just the best of us, but all of us. Everyone who accepts Him as Lord and Savior. God sent Jesus for ALL of us.

Can you imagine putting your own life on the line for someone else? What kind of person would you be willing to lay down your life for? I can tell you for certain, I would struggle to lay my life down for just anyone. There’s a reason I’m not in the secret service or the military! At this moment in my existence, my children and husband almost exclusively exhaust that list. But God died a human death, and not a peaceful one I might add, for every single one of us and our transgressions.

BUT WAIT. Let me take you one step further into my deeper understanding.

God is Jesus. Jesus is God. But, Jesus is also God’s son - His ONLY son.

I’m going to take a slight detour here, but I hope you follow my train of thought.

Recently, Bennett and I (and Zach when he’s been available) have been reading the Bible (a Children’s Bible) together before bed every night. When we got to the story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis chapter 22, I didn’t realize the termoil it would bring, considering I have hear the story so many times. Until becoming a parent, I clearly never understood the true devastation of this story on a deep level. For anyone who doesn’t know the story I’m talking about, I’ll briefly summarize.

Abraham and his wife Sarah had prayed and prayed for a child. They became old and still had not had any children, then God blessed Sarah at a very old age with a pregnancy! They had a baby boy, Issac, whom was loved beyond measure. One day, a few years later, God told Abraham to bring Isaac to the top of the mountain and sacrifice him to the Lord. When he got to the top of the mountain, he tied up his son, and was just about to kill him for a sacrifice when God stopped him and provided a ram to sacrifice. It was a test of his faithfulness to God.

CAN YOU IMAGINE??? You are being asked to end the life of your only child for whom you’ve ferverently prayed and love more than anything or anyone in this world? Would you be able to even take it as far as Abraham?

I’ll be honest, I had trouble explaining this story to my son. How was I supposed to tell him that the characters in the story that he identified with our family (me/Zach = Abraham, him = Isaac) were literally about to perform that of a parents absolute nightmare? How could I explain that Issac’s daddy was about to end young Isaac’s life because God told him to? The same God I remind him daily is so good, is so loving, and is taking care of us? Watching his face try to understand the terror of this story was almost heartbreaking.

As a parent, I read that story with fresh new eyes. It brought such sadness and weight to my heart as I reread the story, only compounding when I tried to explain it to my 3 year old.

To lose a child is already a devastation beyond comprehension, but for that child to be lost at your own hands? I am not sure how I’d ever be able to continue on in my life. Truly.

Circling back to my point, this is exactly what God did for us. Except there wasn’t someone else to step in and save the day, no one to send him another appropriate sacrifice.

God knew how it had to end the minute He sent Jesus to earth. But He still did it for us. US!

I don’t know about you, but there is nothing on this earth I love more than my children. This realization made me want to try even harder to deepen my relationship with God, and honor him, thank him, and praise him for his deep sacrifice for us.

“‘For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.’”

— John‬ ‭3‬:‭16‬-‭17‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Car Rides, Coffee, Caregiving, and Mostaccoli

Camp season always feels hard for me. I know a lot of wives that would revel in some husband-free time, but I am not one of them!

Zach is my very best friend in the world. He’s the only person I consistently talk to every day, he knows everything about me and I know most everything about him, and we are almost always saving up some funny jokes, stories or videos from the day to laugh at together each night. We are in our marraige 50/50 and really do make it a joint effort as much as possible.

So, when summer camp season rolls around, I dread our time apart every year. I look forward to those silly little moments together everyday.

But I know how special and important the work  is that he is doing. Some of these kids find their relationship with Jesus at these camps. They find themselves and new friends. They build relationships with other spiritual and passionate followers of Christ, outside of their comfort zones: home and family.

In fact, I know how special and important that is, because it’s something I’ve been praying for for a while.

I want to make a very clear disclaimer here: praying for more Godly relationships does not mean I’m not still seeking and nurturing my friendships and relationships that already exist. I love and cherish my friends and family and wouldn’t trade them for the world.

What I’ve been praying for is more relationships with mothers and women on journeys with Christ. In some ways it is selfish- I want to learn what they’ve learned, hear about how God has moved in their lives recently, ask about their parenting journey with Christ, and everything in-between. But in other ways, I know and recently have relearned how it feels to be in service to someone else and I want to pour into other moms and women who are going through or have gone through this phase of life. We have got to stick together!

Well, with my fancy new boot, I’ve been limited on the service I can give, but have actually been in need of service myself. Because since it’s camp season, Zach is and will be gone a lot.

This is normally difficult when I’m healthy and not carrying a baby, but given my current circumstances, this might be the most challenging camp season yet.

In preparation for this week, I thought about all the instances I would need help dropping off and picking up the kids, getting to doctor appointments, getting to work, grocery retrieval, and the list goes on.

What this told me was that my mom was about to be spending a lot of time with me.

God bless my momma, she has taken the chaeuffering in stride. She’s gotten up extra early to bring my kids to daycare, built extra time into her evenings to help me wrangle them and get them ready for bath or bedtime, helped with dinners, watered my plants, and really just been my other set of hands in most situations.

I am so grateful to have my mom and dad so close and available to make this time a little easier.

A couple friends from my church have also stepped out in service to help us through this week. One brought me to get coffee and to work with her at church one day to get me out of the house and keep me from feeling lonely. Another friend made a DELICIOUS mostaccoli dinner for the kids and I that left our tummies and hearts full. (And not to brag here, but this mostaccoli is revered around town. It was so good, my 3 year old tried to put up a stalemate and not eat it, but after his required “one bite,”  he ended up cleaning his whole plate!)

My cousin even made time to come spend a morning with my kids so I could focus on some important work meetings. She brought games and toys that my kids had never seen before and they had so much fun! They even woke up from their naps asking for her!

Through all of this, I haven’t been sure how to thank all of my helpers enough. On one hand, I like to be independent and usually revel at an opportunity to show my ability to take care of everything myself. On the other hand, I don’t want to be alone in my struggle. God knows that about me and I have to wonder if he created this as an opportunity for me to grow in accepting help and service.

My friend who brought us dinner pointed out how important service is for us as Christians, but emphasized that service means giving AND receiving. Hearing that perked my ears up, knowing that in that moment, God might’ve been speaking through her to remind me that nothing about our journeys with Him should be lonely.

I believe when we go through the trials of this life, it isn’t for us to be alone. God wants us to reach out to Him for help. He expects us to act like brothers and sisters and take care of eachother. The Gospel of Matthew reminds us that He will take care of us, so why do we ever worry about what each day will bring?

“‘That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.’”

— Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭25‬-‭34‬ ‭NLT‬

While my cousin was here watching the kids, we had a conversation about our callings in life. I shared with her my deep longing to stay home with my kids and how right now we just couldn’t afford it. She stopped me immediately and essentially told me this: If it is God’s will for your life, no earthly thing like money could ever keep you away from it.

So I’ll leave you with this: Help and service are fundamentally human. We are created to be of service and accept service in our times of need. We were made to be a community, a family.

God’s help looks different each and every time, but by being of service, you are being the hands and feet of Jesus and providing help to God’s children and doing His work.

An Answer from God

This is the third time I have rewritten this post and I pray that I don’t have to do it again. I’m not sure what forces are at work here, but I am determined to share this with you.

I’ve been struggling to come up with the right way to share about my week. Until yesterday, I was going to link it to disappointment and finding comfort and peace in God’s plan. While there is much to be said about that, I think this is a story worth sharing at this time.

I will be honest, this has been a tough week. Starting bright and early Monday morning, I was met with two grumpy kiddos, followed by a very unexpectedly long and rough day at work. Thankfully, I have a husband who is beyond wonderful and agreed to take on the primary parent role for the evening to allow me time to decompress.

Bedtime was nearing for my youngest and I thought I would take it as an opportunity to make a little fun before the day came to a close. I scooped her up by her ankles and dramatically carried her upside-down to her room! It was silly and definitely brought on lots of toddler giggles until my foot unexpectedly found a hard plastic ball that had been left out in the doorway. Within milliseconds, we were both on the floor in a pure panic.

By the grace of God alone, neither my daughter, nor the baby in my belly, were hurt. In the fall, I managed to toss her away from me in such a way that she landed more on her face and chest than on her head or neck. She was scared and crying, but otherwise, completely fine. I, on the other hand, was already starting to feel the pain creep into my ankle.

I’ll save you the full details, but by the morning, I was unable to put any weight on my ankle without severe pain. I was blessed to be able to get into my doctor that afternoon and have my sister available to drive me.

Unfortunately, the doctor was not able to X-ray my ankle due to my pregnancy, however after a physical exam that left me sweating from the pain, the doctor had a pretty good idea of the diagnosis. Whether a small fracture or some torn ligaments or tendons, the treatment plan would be the same: six to ten weeks in a boot.

This is a very inopportune time for my ankle to be injured. I’m supposed to be in Colorado at a church camping trip in one month. This weekend we were going to have a fun lake day with friends where Ben would’ve gotten to ride in a boat for the first time. My husband is about to be gone for a week for another camp and I’m supposed to be solo parenting.

All those plans came to a screeching halt when the doctor told me I would not be able to drive so long as I’m in the boot. I would likely not be going on the trip to Colorado. There would be no lake day right now.

You bet I began to throw myself one heck of a pity party the minute my seatbelt buckled into the car for the ride home. I cried the whole way home, devastated that I had lost most of my independence as a result of one fall.

Of course, my first question was, “Why? Why did this have to happen to me right now, God?”

I was devastated. I’ve been wanting and committing to go on this trip for the last four years or so and really thought that this year was going to be the year I finally got to go. Swallowing the truth that I likely would not be attending this year either, had been the hardest part.

But God knew I needed to grieve for a little while before I would be ready and open to the answer.

Two days later, I was riding in the car with Zach after he’d finished his workday. My mind was still circling around the reason I was now in this situation. I think it is important to share my thought process in detail, as I believe God led me to His truth in the most gentle and loving way possible.

I started to think about my current bible study. In case you missed my post that discussed my current bible study, I’m walking through the book of Numbers using “With Us in the Wilderness” by Lauren Chandler. Most recently, I read about Balaam and his donkey, the blessings he bestowed on Israel in lieu of curses, and the prompt disobedience of the Israelites in sin with the Moabites. As usual, God punished them for their sins in a very non-discreet way.

I thought how lucky the Israelites were to have God amongst them in such a tangible way. They knew when and why they were being punished. My mind raced around whether it was a punishment from God or Satan at work. How can we know for certain?

I believe God met me with an answer immediately that I would feel convicted or troubled in my spirit if I were being punished. I could not think of anything recently that I had done for which I should feel guilt. (Of course, this doesn’t mean I haven’t, maybe it just hasn’t come to me yet!)

I started to talk through my thoughts and fears with Zach as we drove. “What if God is preventing me from going on the trip to Colorado because I would’ve gotten hurt? What if He didn’t want both of us in the same place somewhere getting hurt or taken from our children at the same time?” What if, what if, what if…

As I continued to talk through everything with Zach, I happened to say something like, “I just wish I knew why this is happening to me!” And that was the moment God hit me with the whammy.

It isn’t about me.

It isn’t about a punishment.

It isn’t about my plans or my future.

It is about HER future and His plan for HER life.

God used me in that moment to protect my daughter. The reality is that if we had fallen any other way, I could be missing this trip for reasons far more devastating than a hurt ankle. My daughter and the baby could’ve been hurt and we could be living a very different life right now.

I couldn’t believe how selfish I had been. I started crying at the truth God had just put on my heart. He humbled me when I needed it most.

When my kids got home from daycare that afternoon, I hugged my daughter just a little tighter and gave thanks to God that it was my ankle that was hurt, my plans that had been ruined, and for giving me the privilege to be the one on earth who got to have a part in keeping her safe that day.

I don’t know His plan for my life, but I know that now, more than ever before, I feel God’s presence. I now understand that the reasons I experience anything in this life, bad or good, may not have anything to do with His plan for my life, rather His plan for someone else’s life.

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