It’s been a rough month or two at the Kever household when it comes to bedtime.
When we get home from daycare and preschool, the kids play together before dinner and are typically great the whole time.
Dinner begins and the kids take a slightly different tone, but overall, it is still usually positive and mostly calm.
But the minute that Zach or I mention it is time to get ready for bed? Absolute anarchy ensues.
Suddenly, the toddlers are running amuck, sometimes naked or partially dressed, screaming and laughing. It’s like those words trigger them in the same way Pavlov’s dog salivated at the sound of a bell.
We’ve tried chart after chart, incentive after incentive, and admittedly, spanking after spanking. Nothing seems to make a difference.
I know this is a season and “it too shall pass,” but right now, it feels like a losing battle.
Recently, during bedtime, Bennett physically threw Davis to the ground. Of course it hurt and she cried.
Things like that make me worry that someday I’ll be visiting him in a prison.
I don’t hide that from him either. I try to be honest with him about what the consequences of that action would be for someone like me or his daddy. I told him how we should never hurt anyone on purpose, especially the people we love.
Dramatic much?
I know, trust me, I know. I KNOW.
BUT it gets him thinking. He starts to ask questions and understand the weight of his choices.
At the age of four, he is learning about consequences and how his actions impact others.
All of that said, we are busting out every trick in the book.
I recently read a thread of loving friends recommending their tips and tricks for surviving and teaching through toddler tantrums. It wasn’t my post, but you can bet I read every word as if it were!
One commenter recommended asking them if their “love tank was empty.” I started asking that question anytime emotions get big and to my surprise, they almost always say yes and come over to melt into me for a hug. It is an unexpected gift that keeps giving.
That tip brought out the caregiver in my sweet little 2 year old. When I was filling my 4 year old’s “tank,” she came up and started rubbing his back, asking if she could fill his tank, and hugging him along with me.
Her tender love and care was the most beautiful and pure image of love in a moment that could’ve been tumultuous.
Another piece of advice shared on the thread was to put yourself in timeout when they are having a particularly rough tantrum.
We, unfortunately, had the privilege of trying that one as well and much to my surprise, it kind of worked and got their little wheels turning.
We have also spent a lot of time reading and researching and came across simply asking them if they needed to talk about anything before bed.
Let me just pause here to ask a question. When you’re at your whits end, do you even CARE what the source of your frustration wants to chat about? Anyway…
In a moment of frustration, I took a deep breath and asked my kiddos - who had been feral for the last 30 minutes - if they wanted to talk to me about anything.
After a thoughtful moment, Bennett began to open up to me about something he’d had on his mind all day.
It just so happens, my sweet son was listening in on mine and Zach’s conversation as we discussed a very tragic accident that had happened recently. Bennett had questions about the people who died, the people who didn’t and the whole situation. I answered all of his questions to the best of my ability, and again asked, “Is there anything you want to talk to me about?”
Bennett and Davis thought for a minute. Then one of them asked if we could pray for the people who were in the accident. So in that moment, we folded our hands and Bennett lead us in prayer for the people in the accident.
I asked the question a few more times before giving hugs and kisses and calmly leaving the room. Amazingly, they didn’t say a word after I left the room and went right to sleep.
Bedtime that evening was an answered prayer.
I had been praying for them WITH THEM, I had been talking to God about it on my own time, and I knew this was His answer.
Connect with each other.
Make TIME for each other.
ENJOY each other.
Stop worrying what other people say or think about your parenting skills (or lack thereof).
While that evening felt like it took so long, it helped me realize that they might be playing, arguing, fussing, fighting, and screaming as a way of distracting themselves from what is on their mind that is frightening or concerning to them.
I was so grateful for both the Facebook post that gave me some easy to implement and actionable tips, as well as the article that suggested to just ask a simple question before bed. Those pieces of advice created a few moments of connection for all of us.
This certainly wasn’t a magic bullet. Bedtime has continued to be challenging! But it gave me hope and curiosity about the things my kids will hold onto to talk to me about each night.
What has helped you with the Bedtime Blues? Any and all advice is welcome! Should I call Nanny 911?
A final thought: I’m trying to “learn, do, learn” everyday in parenting. My kiddos are the greatest gifts I could ever imagine and no matter the trials and tribulations we go through together, my love will never fade.