Car Rides, Coffee, Caregiving, and Mostaccoli

Camp season always feels hard for me. I know a lot of wives that would revel in some husband-free time, but I am not one of them!

Zach is my very best friend in the world. He’s the only person I consistently talk to every day, he knows everything about me and I know most everything about him, and we are almost always saving up some funny jokes, stories or videos from the day to laugh at together each night. We are in our marraige 50/50 and really do make it a joint effort as much as possible.

So, when summer camp season rolls around, I dread our time apart every year. I look forward to those silly little moments together everyday.

But I know how special and important the work  is that he is doing. Some of these kids find their relationship with Jesus at these camps. They find themselves and new friends. They build relationships with other spiritual and passionate followers of Christ, outside of their comfort zones: home and family.

In fact, I know how special and important that is, because it’s something I’ve been praying for for a while.

I want to make a very clear disclaimer here: praying for more Godly relationships does not mean I’m not still seeking and nurturing my friendships and relationships that already exist. I love and cherish my friends and family and wouldn’t trade them for the world.

What I’ve been praying for is more relationships with mothers and women on journeys with Christ. In some ways it is selfish- I want to learn what they’ve learned, hear about how God has moved in their lives recently, ask about their parenting journey with Christ, and everything in-between. But in other ways, I know and recently have relearned how it feels to be in service to someone else and I want to pour into other moms and women who are going through or have gone through this phase of life. We have got to stick together!

Well, with my fancy new boot, I’ve been limited on the service I can give, but have actually been in need of service myself. Because since it’s camp season, Zach is and will be gone a lot.

This is normally difficult when I’m healthy and not carrying a baby, but given my current circumstances, this might be the most challenging camp season yet.

In preparation for this week, I thought about all the instances I would need help dropping off and picking up the kids, getting to doctor appointments, getting to work, grocery retrieval, and the list goes on.

What this told me was that my mom was about to be spending a lot of time with me.

God bless my momma, she has taken the chaeuffering in stride. She’s gotten up extra early to bring my kids to daycare, built extra time into her evenings to help me wrangle them and get them ready for bath or bedtime, helped with dinners, watered my plants, and really just been my other set of hands in most situations.

I am so grateful to have my mom and dad so close and available to make this time a little easier.

A couple friends from my church have also stepped out in service to help us through this week. One brought me to get coffee and to work with her at church one day to get me out of the house and keep me from feeling lonely. Another friend made a DELICIOUS mostaccoli dinner for the kids and I that left our tummies and hearts full. (And not to brag here, but this mostaccoli is revered around town. It was so good, my 3 year old tried to put up a stalemate and not eat it, but after his required “one bite,”  he ended up cleaning his whole plate!)

My cousin even made time to come spend a morning with my kids so I could focus on some important work meetings. She brought games and toys that my kids had never seen before and they had so much fun! They even woke up from their naps asking for her!

Through all of this, I haven’t been sure how to thank all of my helpers enough. On one hand, I like to be independent and usually revel at an opportunity to show my ability to take care of everything myself. On the other hand, I don’t want to be alone in my struggle. God knows that about me and I have to wonder if he created this as an opportunity for me to grow in accepting help and service.

My friend who brought us dinner pointed out how important service is for us as Christians, but emphasized that service means giving AND receiving. Hearing that perked my ears up, knowing that in that moment, God might’ve been speaking through her to remind me that nothing about our journeys with Him should be lonely.

I believe when we go through the trials of this life, it isn’t for us to be alone. God wants us to reach out to Him for help. He expects us to act like brothers and sisters and take care of eachother. The Gospel of Matthew reminds us that He will take care of us, so why do we ever worry about what each day will bring?

“‘That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.’”

— Matthew‬ ‭6‬:‭25‬-‭34‬ ‭NLT‬

While my cousin was here watching the kids, we had a conversation about our callings in life. I shared with her my deep longing to stay home with my kids and how right now we just couldn’t afford it. She stopped me immediately and essentially told me this: If it is God’s will for your life, no earthly thing like money could ever keep you away from it.

So I’ll leave you with this: Help and service are fundamentally human. We are created to be of service and accept service in our times of need. We were made to be a community, a family.

God’s help looks different each and every time, but by being of service, you are being the hands and feet of Jesus and providing help to God’s children and doing His work.

An Answer from God

This is the third time I have rewritten this post and I pray that I don’t have to do it again. I’m not sure what forces are at work here, but I am determined to share this with you.

I’ve been struggling to come up with the right way to share about my week. Until yesterday, I was going to link it to disappointment and finding comfort and peace in God’s plan. While there is much to be said about that, I think this is a story worth sharing at this time.

I will be honest, this has been a tough week. Starting bright and early Monday morning, I was met with two grumpy kiddos, followed by a very unexpectedly long and rough day at work. Thankfully, I have a husband who is beyond wonderful and agreed to take on the primary parent role for the evening to allow me time to decompress.

Bedtime was nearing for my youngest and I thought I would take it as an opportunity to make a little fun before the day came to a close. I scooped her up by her ankles and dramatically carried her upside-down to her room! It was silly and definitely brought on lots of toddler giggles until my foot unexpectedly found a hard plastic ball that had been left out in the doorway. Within milliseconds, we were both on the floor in a pure panic.

By the grace of God alone, neither my daughter, nor the baby in my belly, were hurt. In the fall, I managed to toss her away from me in such a way that she landed more on her face and chest than on her head or neck. She was scared and crying, but otherwise, completely fine. I, on the other hand, was already starting to feel the pain creep into my ankle.

I’ll save you the full details, but by the morning, I was unable to put any weight on my ankle without severe pain. I was blessed to be able to get into my doctor that afternoon and have my sister available to drive me.

Unfortunately, the doctor was not able to X-ray my ankle due to my pregnancy, however after a physical exam that left me sweating from the pain, the doctor had a pretty good idea of the diagnosis. Whether a small fracture or some torn ligaments or tendons, the treatment plan would be the same: six to ten weeks in a boot.

This is a very inopportune time for my ankle to be injured. I’m supposed to be in Colorado at a church camping trip in one month. This weekend we were going to have a fun lake day with friends where Ben would’ve gotten to ride in a boat for the first time. My husband is about to be gone for a week for another camp and I’m supposed to be solo parenting.

All those plans came to a screeching halt when the doctor told me I would not be able to drive so long as I’m in the boot. I would likely not be going on the trip to Colorado. There would be no lake day right now.

You bet I began to throw myself one heck of a pity party the minute my seatbelt buckled into the car for the ride home. I cried the whole way home, devastated that I had lost most of my independence as a result of one fall.

Of course, my first question was, “Why? Why did this have to happen to me right now, God?”

I was devastated. I’ve been wanting and committing to go on this trip for the last four years or so and really thought that this year was going to be the year I finally got to go. Swallowing the truth that I likely would not be attending this year either, had been the hardest part.

But God knew I needed to grieve for a little while before I would be ready and open to the answer.

Two days later, I was riding in the car with Zach after he’d finished his workday. My mind was still circling around the reason I was now in this situation. I think it is important to share my thought process in detail, as I believe God led me to His truth in the most gentle and loving way possible.

I started to think about my current bible study. In case you missed my post that discussed my current bible study, I’m walking through the book of Numbers using “With Us in the Wilderness” by Lauren Chandler. Most recently, I read about Balaam and his donkey, the blessings he bestowed on Israel in lieu of curses, and the prompt disobedience of the Israelites in sin with the Moabites. As usual, God punished them for their sins in a very non-discreet way.

I thought how lucky the Israelites were to have God amongst them in such a tangible way. They knew when and why they were being punished. My mind raced around whether it was a punishment from God or Satan at work. How can we know for certain?

I believe God met me with an answer immediately that I would feel convicted or troubled in my spirit if I were being punished. I could not think of anything recently that I had done for which I should feel guilt. (Of course, this doesn’t mean I haven’t, maybe it just hasn’t come to me yet!)

I started to talk through my thoughts and fears with Zach as we drove. “What if God is preventing me from going on the trip to Colorado because I would’ve gotten hurt? What if He didn’t want both of us in the same place somewhere getting hurt or taken from our children at the same time?” What if, what if, what if…

As I continued to talk through everything with Zach, I happened to say something like, “I just wish I knew why this is happening to me!” And that was the moment God hit me with the whammy.

It isn’t about me.

It isn’t about a punishment.

It isn’t about my plans or my future.

It is about HER future and His plan for HER life.

God used me in that moment to protect my daughter. The reality is that if we had fallen any other way, I could be missing this trip for reasons far more devastating than a hurt ankle. My daughter and the baby could’ve been hurt and we could be living a very different life right now.

I couldn’t believe how selfish I had been. I started crying at the truth God had just put on my heart. He humbled me when I needed it most.

When my kids got home from daycare that afternoon, I hugged my daughter just a little tighter and gave thanks to God that it was my ankle that was hurt, my plans that had been ruined, and for giving me the privilege to be the one on earth who got to have a part in keeping her safe that day.

I don’t know His plan for my life, but I know that now, more than ever before, I feel God’s presence. I now understand that the reasons I experience anything in this life, bad or good, may not have anything to do with His plan for my life, rather His plan for someone else’s life.

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A Golden Calf

We recently created a paper chain to help us better track our debt free journey and give the kids a role in the whole process.

“Just as the rich rule the poor, so the borrower is servant to the lender.”

— Proverbs 22:7 NLT

If you know me, you know that I am a MASSIVE Dave Ramsey fan. Such a huge fan, in fact, that when I am listening to Apple Podcasts, nine times out of ten, I am listening to the Ramsey Show.

When I graduated college, it was no secret that I would soon have to pay on my student loan debt. When that time came, I realized I did not want to be paying on my loans for 10-20 years, but rather wanted it out of my life as soon as possible. I don’t really know how I found Dave Ramsey, but after a bit of research, I told my dad that for Christmas that year, I just wanted Financial Peace University.

I don’t exactly remember his reaction, but I know he didn’t hesitate to purchase it for me! I started right away and immediately began running through the baby steps.

Step 1: Save up a $1,000 emergency fund.

Fresh out of college, this was actually a more difficult step than I thought it would be. I was only making around $1,200 after taxes each month and at the time was only paid monthly. But I think I was able to accomplish this in one month and quickly moved on to the next step.

Step 2: Pay off all your debt except your mortgage.

Spoiler alert, I’ve yet to surpass this step.

Shortly following getting gazelle intense, I got engaged and started trying to cash flow the wedding. This put a huge damper on my debt free journey, but I am still proud to say that before my journey came to a premature halt, I had successfully paid off almost half of my student loan debt.

I confess, my progress has been nonexistent, maybe mediocre, since then. In fact, Zach and I took on more debt in the form of two cars, credit cards, and a mortgage.

I want to preface what I’m about to say with this: we are on this debt free journey, we are working up to gazelle intensity, and we ARE done with doing “diet Dave.” However…

As I was listening to the Ramsey Show this morning, I heard one of the hosts talk about sacrifice. This must’ve been the message the Lord was sharing with me today, because it has been on my mind ever since. Please humor me as I take a slight detour that will give you a little more insight into the situation.

Since becoming a wife and discussing having children, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and homeschool my kids. Additionally, I’ve always wanted to be an entrepreneur. In my mind, the two can actually go hand-in-hand if done correctly.

I actually thought I had a good chance at making it all a reality too! Zach was in school to become a physical therapist, so I was pretty sure I was marrying my sugar daddy. To quote my father, “If you wanna make God laugh, tell Him your plans!”

My husband DID NOT become a physical therapist. In fact, he went to school extra years, graduated as a physical therapy assistant, couldn’t find anything full-time, and started working part-time PRN. Our church was in need of a Student Minister and he had been approached by many of our church family telling him he would be really great at the job.

Flash forward a couple years and…Zach is a Student Minister full-time at our church, I’m technically the breadwinner of the family, and still working full-time for the State of Missouri. Life has certainly turned out a little differently than we had planned.

My heart has not stopped longing to be home with my babies and be a part of their education. In fact, with this pregnancy, it has been on my mind stronger than I can ever remember. In fact, I have prayed to God many times over the last month alone to help me find the ministry He’s created me for, especially if it includes my dream and passion of being a homeschooling mom-trepreneur.

So, as I listened to the Ramsey Show this morning and recieved the message about sacrifice, I realized that the hopelessness I was feeling about my situation might’ve been stemming from my unwillingness to compromise on what my life needs to look like in the next five to ten years.

“You have to live like no one else now, so later you can live AND GIVE like no one else.”

— Dave Ramsey

To quote Dave Ramsey himself, “You have to live like no one else now, so later you can live AND GIVE like no one else.”

I started to think of the sacrifices I would be willing to make to reach my goal of staying home with my kids. I came up with a lot of things I was willing to sacrifice, and even started thinking of things I could sell tomorrow to help us move the needle on our debt free journey even faster.

This was truly a mindset shift.

But the revelations don’t stop there. God has put it on my heart that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been idolizing the idea of wealth. Can you believe it? My beloved, Dave Ramsey, turned into my golden calf without me even realizing it!

Does this change my debt free journey? NOPE. Absolutely not. The Bible is very clear about debt, in fact, Dave Ramsey has built his business upon that fact. (See verse at the beginning of this post.) Dave also uses this scripture a lot as a descriptor for how “easy” it is to go through a debt free journey. “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” ‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12‬:‭11‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Well, if I’m not going to stop listening to the Ramsey Show or Dave’s advice, how do I intend to stop worshiping at the alter of wealth? THIS is part of the mindset shift.

My motivation for becoming debt free is no longer about being wealthy, having a comfortable retirement, or even having the big welcoming house I’ve always wanted. It’s about living out my purpose and ministry, following the path God is making for me, and creating a better life for my kids and my family’s future. I have to stop thinking of “debt free” as a gateway to a “better” life or an “easy” life.

I’m still figuring out how to realize and act on this truth, but I know I can be both content in the present and motivated to remove debt from our future.

Water in a Drought

“But those who drink the water I give will never be thirsty again. It becomes a fresh, bubbling spring within them, giving them eternal life.”

‭‭John‬ ‭4‬:‭14‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Watching my kids play in the water is so peaceful and exciting. As a parent, experiencing my kid’s learning journey is at the top of my “ Why Parenting is Awesome” list. Each played in their own way, but both were mesmerized by the water, intrigued by the way it moved or made their hands feel, excited by every splash of a toy or drip from a leaky bucket.

We are so blessed to have access to this water right now. As of recently, Missouri was declared in a state of drought. This means farmers all across our state are working overtime to keep their crops and livestock alive.

This got me thinking about my current Bible study. It is a study of Numbers called, “With Us in the Wilderness,” by Lauren Chandler. I’ll admit, this Bible study really took me a minute to latch onto. I even almost quit about a third of the way through because I wondered if maybe I wasn’t knowledgeable enough about the Bible to understand the book of Numbers or that this wasn’t the right study for me. But now I understand why the author chose to focus on certain parts of Numbers that seemed more technical in nature and I’ve found a very personal connection with this book.

One of the more recent stories I studied from Numbers can be found in Chapter 20. (Spoiler alert: this is one of the most depressing chapters in the book of Numbers that I have read so far. Brace yourself.) I’m talking about when Moses and Aaron rebelled against God. Do you know that story? If not, I encourage you to go read Numbers 20: 2-13 and come back.

Do you remember those little puzzles from our childhood that would compare two pictures and you’d have to spot all the differences? At this time, I think I should admit that I wasn’t always the best at those challenges (thanks, Highlights Magazine, for helping me find my strengths at such a young age. Attention to detail? Mediocre).

The reason I ask you to recall those comparison puzzles, is because I genuinely struggled to understand what Moses did to offend God so much that He would hit Moses and Aaron with such a severe punishment. I read both God’s instructions and Moses’ actions over and over and still didn’t notice the small difference. I even had to consult my husband for wisdom. The rebellion was simple - God asked Moses to speak to the rock to make water flow for the people who were thirsty in the dessert. Moses struck the rock with Aaron’s staff. The water still flowed from the rock, but God was quick to deliver the bad news that neither Moses, nor Aaron, would enter the promised land as a result of their disobedience.

When I first read this, I thought, “That seems so harsh! What if it was just a misunderstanding?” But here’s the thing - God knows our hearts and our intentions. He knew that Moses made an intentional and faithless choice. This, along with many other stories, has taught me a little something about God’s will and how He prepares us for His plan for us.

[If you have interest in checking out this study of Numbers, you can find it here on Amazon.]

I’ve been asking God a LOT about His plan for me. I’ve been seeking as many opportunities to hear Him speak to me or glean some devine wisdom as possible. One avenue I’ve been bindging is the “Made for Her” Podcast. Today, I listened to an episode about discovering our devine gifts and passions. She mentioned that sometimes we need another human to notice and tell us what our gifts are and I feel like I witnessed Bennett’s passions and gifts all at once.

After my baby was in bed, big brother was excited to spend some time painting with mommy to round out his evening. I was fascinated watching him learn and grow using his own watercolor paint set and brushes, smearing color after color on top of each other in a big spot on the page, and methodically rinsing his brushes between each color.

This kid has a passion and a talent for art and creation, exploring, and learning. That moment made me want to nurture his skill, teach him, grow with him. So I showed him a few little watercolor tricks - sprinkling salt, spraying with a spray bottle, and dabbing up the extra water with his paper towel. Of course, he’s three, so he had forgotten all about it in a matter of seconds.

When he went back to the table right before bed, he exclaimed, “What happened to my paper?!” As his artwork sat, the salt continued to work, the dabbing dried, the sprayed areas became more noticable. It looked like a completely different piece than before.

That is when it struck me. Are you ready for the AHA! Moment? God is polishing us in our time of waiting and wandering. We are His artwork. When He is done teaching us all the techniques and perfecting our skills, THAT is when we will truly find our calling. THAT is when He reveals to us His plan. THAT is when He puts a mirror in front of us and we exclaim with gratitude and wonder, “What happened to the old me?!”

In that time of wandering through the wilderness, we might be feeling like we’ll never get to our Promised Land. We might be receiving punishments from God as He works to teach us all we’ll need to know to walk confidently and faithfully on the path He’s paved for us. But we also might be blessed with many gifts of His presence, grace, and mercy! He won’t let us die in the desert of dehydration - so call out to Him! Speak to the rock and He will eventually make the water flow! Drink the water He gives and let it bubble inside you and make you new!

My advice to you (and me) is this - if you feel like you’re in a season of wandering right now - persevere. He’ll lead you exactly where He needs you. Learn from your mistakes, grow through the hard times, and know that you’re never alone.

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Change is Coming

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on here. I’ve been busy adjusting to the many changes happening around me.

Since our last chat, I’ve had a couple babies and am currently growing another one.

I’ve switched jobs a couple times.

I’ve learned A LOT about myself.

What I find to be most important - I’ve begun to nourish my relationship with God.

Maybe I lost some of you there- but I hope you’ll stick around and hear me out.

The changes in my life haven’t all been planned, positive, or of my own choice. Some have been regarding my health, some to my lifestyle, and some to my family life. However, near the top of that list is my relationship with God because I can say with certainty that it has touched all areas of my life.

Recently, a friend of mine from my church pulled me to the side to chat. She started the conversation basically telling me she hadn’t always felt that I was the most friendly person. As an extrovert who prides herself on socialization and her ability to build and maintain relationships, that was a bit of a hard pill to swallow at first.

But as she continued, she said, “You seem different lately - lighter, happier…” etc.

Because I am! I have felt more myself since the beginning of this year than I have for a long time and I know that has everything to do with my relationship with Jesus.

It occurred to me during our conversation that there was a period of time, not so long ago, that I felt like I didn’t have many friends. I couldn’t remember how to talk to people, have conversations, or build a friendship without seeming desperate or overthinking every tiny detail of every conversation.

Well, it turns out, I actually probably didn’t have many friends! I was so stressed and overwhelmed just trying to keep all the proverbial balls in the air that I couldn’t - or maybe wouldn’t- make the mental space I needed to continue living my extroverted lifestyle.

Stress plagued my every moment, anxiety discouraged me in every moment and at every opportunity. Overthought and over-analysis of every conversation, every decision, and every thing consumed my mental capacity, leaving me an empty shell of a human being.

THAT little chat -and brave moment of admission and honesty from my friend - felt like a direct message from God encouraging me to keep reading His Word and listening for His voice. Since I’ve regularly implemented a bible study into my routine, I have so much more peace. I do feel lighter!

The reason I’m sharing all of this is to announce some changes coming to my website/blog. It will no longer focus solely on art and my freelance gigs.

YES - I absolutely will still be sharing that information and progress as I go. (Let’s be honest, if anyone even reads this, I’ll be surprised given my lack of attention to this platform for the last two to three years.)

I’m going to expand my brand to include more of my interests, lifestyle, etc. I hope that anyone who’s been following along will continue on this journey with me.

Seasons

I haven’t written in a while. Seasons were changing.

Let me explain.

In life, there is a season for everything - sports, weather, TV shows, hunting, etc. - and if we make it through all of those seasons, we are, in theory, supposed to grow in some way.

Well, over the last season of my life I have learned a few lessons I’d like to share with you.

1. GRATITUDE: Sometimes for your life to progress, you just need to show gratitude for all that God and the universe have provided to you.

   It is often easy to feel that we are being gracious. However, just like a back-handed compliment, complaining about the blessings you’ve been given (even if you don’t recognize them as blessings) only makes it harder to recognize your blessings as such.

   Once I learned this lesson and I began becoming more grateful, in my particular situation, for my home and all the good things it has to offer, my living situation changed. We are about to make a big decision in this regard and it is absolutely a result of showing God that I am grateful for what He provided us.

2. TURN THE OTHER CHEEK: Honestly, I’m still trying to learn this one.

   38“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.”- Matthew 5:38-40

   This lesson is, by-far, one of the hardest life lessons I have ever had to learn. As humans- or perhaps this is just me- we are not naturally driven to do this. When someone is a jerk to me, my natural instinct is to either run or fight back. Fight or flight, right?

   No. Jesus is asking us to pray for those who persecute us. Have you ever tried this? Have you ever, in the heat of the moment, prayed a genuine prayer to God, the Universe, or whatever deity you pray to that the person you are struggling with finds all the happiness and blessings they desire in life? I’m not sure I’ve met a more tiresome challenge in my social life.

   Please believe that this lesson is and will probably always be “in-progress.”

3. FOR EVERYTHING THERE IS A SEASON: I know, I know. I’m back on the seasons, but hear me out.

   I saw a quote once about how some people are only meant to be a part of our lives for a season, not a lifetime. But I think this applies to more than just people.

   I think seasons can apply to who you were before learning lessons life gives you, friendships, personal identities, and even love.

   I’m entering into a new season of life that requires me to be a stronger individual. I’m about to become a mother! I want to be the kind of strong mother that is not codependent on my friends for happiness and peace. I want to be the kind of mother who stands up for myself and my family. I want to be the kind of mother that will do anything for the benefit of my family, children, and my own personal well being.

   But in becoming that person, that strong-willed mom and wife, I don’t want to lose sight of myself and my own identity. I want to combine the two, creating a new me with an ever-growing zest for life, friendships, and interests.

In the photos above you will see about 3 different seasons of my life that happened almost simultaneously. Weddings, a baby, and a graduation all in the span of a couple months. It was a crazy and busy time.

Regardless of what season you’re in, don’t let it be your last. Always be growing and evolving and learning how to be the best version of yourself. Not only does the world deserve your best, but so do you!