We welcomed our sweet baby girl just after Thanksgiving and named her Joey, after a couple of my favorite biblical men. Admittedly, I thought I was having a boy, but the name is still just as lovely on her!

Recently, I’ve been a little less invested in my relationship with God.

I hate to admit that.

After the baby was born and we jumped into the newborn sleep schedule, I struggled to find time in my day to eat, sleep, cook dinner, and meet the needs of everyone in the family, let alone study my bible and pray without falling asleep.

I missed church and fellowship several times due to the kids being sick, keeping the baby away from winter germs, and hospital visits with the baby. At first, it bothered me a lot, but after missing it a few times, it felt…familiar. Comfortable.

I began engaging in conversations that weren’t fulfilling, relationships that were draining, and activities, like mindless scrolling, that was a quick hit of dopamine for the day.

All of this had me feeling more exhausted and unfulfilled than ever, even though I had a brand new baby that stole my heart and mind.

The longer I spent “trying to find time” to spend with God, the farther from Him I went.

Now, I will give myself a little bit of credit - I did seek the Lord much more than I did prior to establishing an intentional relationship with Christ. But that is about the only thing I did right in this regard.

By the time I realized what all my time away was doing, I felt like I couldn’t hear God anymore.

The truth is, He was probably talking, I just wasn’t listening anymore.

I’m still working on structuring my day to ensure some time with God daily, but after chatting with a friend about it, they suggested using the time I was feeding the baby or pumping each day to read the Bible on my phone. It was a game changer and has become a time I look forward to throughout the day. But I’m not telling you this to pat myself on the back. I’m telling you because I learned something about myself in the process.

I am afraid.

I’m afraid of everything. Germs and disease, disappointing people, mental health, hurting people, sinning…the list goes on. But the worst on the list was my fear of disappointing God and not following His will.

But this is what I learned recently: If I keep worrying about whether or not my actions and decisions are pleasing to God, I might never do the things that actually please Him. The analysis paralysis has been wreaking havoc on my life, and in my time of vulnerability, I’ve allowed it.

Making decisions gets significantly harder when you weigh them against what the literal Creator of the Universe is going to think about you. But do you know what He thinks? Jesus tells me that I am loved beyond belief.

Worrying about following His will is even sillier. He can do anything with anything or anyone. The HOW is none of my business.

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts this week, and it just so happened that the host had one of my favorite pastors, Craig Groschel, as her guest. He recently released a new book called, “Think Ahead,” and discussed decision-making and fatigue.

One major topic he addressed in the podcast is the fear of making the wrong move and messing up God’s plan for our lives. He reminded me that God is God. He doesn’t need me to do anything to make His will be done. I will never be able to veer too far off the beaten path of His plan for me.

In this journey back to God, I’ve started a Bible study called, “The Bible Recap,” with Tara Leigh Cobble. It has been so exciting and fun to read the Bible with this study, because it breaks it down and puts it in chronological order so that if you only do one lesson a day, you spend approximately 20 mins total with God and in His word daily. I decided that was completely reasonable and actually do 2-3 lessons a day because I get invested in the stories.

In this study, I just read about Abraham, Issac, Jacob and Joseph. Each of these men made their fair share of mistakes, sinned or were sinned against in some big ways, and received a lot of grace from God- but they always were exactly where they were supposed to be. God’s plan was always fulfilled.

And it will continue to be fulfilled in us.

There is no point in worrying if your making the right choice to stay on the right path for God- He already knows the steps you’ll take and how you’ll get from point A to point B, C, X, Y, & Z.

It is our job to trust God, do our best, have faith, and praise Him for His unending grace.

All that being said, I had a feeling it was time to start writing again, but at the very same time, delete my social media apps from my phone. So while I’m not on social media right now, I believe God will help me share these lessons I’m learning with whomever needs them as well.