This is the third time I have rewritten this post and I pray that I don’t have to do it again. I’m not sure what forces are at work here, but I am determined to share this with you.

I’ve been struggling to come up with the right way to share about my week. Until yesterday, I was going to link it to disappointment and finding comfort and peace in God’s plan. While there is much to be said about that, I think this is a story worth sharing at this time.

I will be honest, this has been a tough week. Starting bright and early Monday morning, I was met with two grumpy kiddos, followed by a very unexpectedly long and rough day at work. Thankfully, I have a husband who is beyond wonderful and agreed to take on the primary parent role for the evening to allow me time to decompress.

Bedtime was nearing for my youngest and I thought I would take it as an opportunity to make a little fun before the day came to a close. I scooped her up by her ankles and dramatically carried her upside-down to her room! It was silly and definitely brought on lots of toddler giggles until my foot unexpectedly found a hard plastic ball that had been left out in the doorway. Within milliseconds, we were both on the floor in a pure panic.

By the grace of God alone, neither my daughter, nor the baby in my belly, were hurt. In the fall, I managed to toss her away from me in such a way that she landed more on her face and chest than on her head or neck. She was scared and crying, but otherwise, completely fine. I, on the other hand, was already starting to feel the pain creep into my ankle.

I’ll save you the full details, but by the morning, I was unable to put any weight on my ankle without severe pain. I was blessed to be able to get into my doctor that afternoon and have my sister available to drive me.

Unfortunately, the doctor was not able to X-ray my ankle due to my pregnancy, however after a physical exam that left me sweating from the pain, the doctor had a pretty good idea of the diagnosis. Whether a small fracture or some torn ligaments or tendons, the treatment plan would be the same: six to ten weeks in a boot.

This is a very inopportune time for my ankle to be injured. I’m supposed to be in Colorado at a church camping trip in one month. This weekend we were going to have a fun lake day with friends where Ben would’ve gotten to ride in a boat for the first time. My husband is about to be gone for a week for another camp and I’m supposed to be solo parenting.

All those plans came to a screeching halt when the doctor told me I would not be able to drive so long as I’m in the boot. I would likely not be going on the trip to Colorado. There would be no lake day right now.

You bet I began to throw myself one heck of a pity party the minute my seatbelt buckled into the car for the ride home. I cried the whole way home, devastated that I had lost most of my independence as a result of one fall.

Of course, my first question was, “Why? Why did this have to happen to me right now, God?”

I was devastated. I’ve been wanting and committing to go on this trip for the last four years or so and really thought that this year was going to be the year I finally got to go. Swallowing the truth that I likely would not be attending this year either, had been the hardest part.

But God knew I needed to grieve for a little while before I would be ready and open to the answer.

Two days later, I was riding in the car with Zach after he’d finished his workday. My mind was still circling around the reason I was now in this situation. I think it is important to share my thought process in detail, as I believe God led me to His truth in the most gentle and loving way possible.

I started to think about my current bible study. In case you missed my post that discussed my current bible study, I’m walking through the book of Numbers using “With Us in the Wilderness” by Lauren Chandler. Most recently, I read about Balaam and his donkey, the blessings he bestowed on Israel in lieu of curses, and the prompt disobedience of the Israelites in sin with the Moabites. As usual, God punished them for their sins in a very non-discreet way.

I thought how lucky the Israelites were to have God amongst them in such a tangible way. They knew when and why they were being punished. My mind raced around whether it was a punishment from God or Satan at work. How can we know for certain?

I believe God met me with an answer immediately that I would feel convicted or troubled in my spirit if I were being punished. I could not think of anything recently that I had done for which I should feel guilt. (Of course, this doesn’t mean I haven’t, maybe it just hasn’t come to me yet!)

I started to talk through my thoughts and fears with Zach as we drove. “What if God is preventing me from going on the trip to Colorado because I would’ve gotten hurt? What if He didn’t want both of us in the same place somewhere getting hurt or taken from our children at the same time?” What if, what if, what if…

As I continued to talk through everything with Zach, I happened to say something like, “I just wish I knew why this is happening to me!” And that was the moment God hit me with the whammy.

It isn’t about me.

It isn’t about a punishment.

It isn’t about my plans or my future.

It is about HER future and His plan for HER life.

God used me in that moment to protect my daughter. The reality is that if we had fallen any other way, I could be missing this trip for reasons far more devastating than a hurt ankle. My daughter and the baby could’ve been hurt and we could be living a very different life right now.

I couldn’t believe how selfish I had been. I started crying at the truth God had just put on my heart. He humbled me when I needed it most.

When my kids got home from daycare that afternoon, I hugged my daughter just a little tighter and gave thanks to God that it was my ankle that was hurt, my plans that had been ruined, and for giving me the privilege to be the one on earth who got to have a part in keeping her safe that day.

I don’t know His plan for my life, but I know that now, more than ever before, I feel God’s presence. I now understand that the reasons I experience anything in this life, bad or good, may not have anything to do with His plan for my life, rather His plan for someone else’s life.

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